I finished what will be it's final stretch for the foreseeable future. my goal to drive around until i tripped over a goal for my life, however long or short - term that life goal may be. So aimlessly i wandered, absorbing, learning, Living, agreeing to everything proposed to me, and generally doing what I grew up expecting every aimless 20something to do. nomadism is a 20something tradition in america - the great depression forced it on some, kerouac's "on the road" represents a generation defined by it, and yet at some times seems particularly 90s and others thoroughly modern. i loved being a gypsy. i loved it so much. i saw and did things, met people, and experienced the wilderness like i never have before and may never again. i have no regrets about being a gypsy and hope to continue the trip after a period of stable living. im looking forward to apartment hunting the day after tomorrow with kelsey and even more toward living with her. NOBODY has a force for good as strong and contagious running through him or her to the degree she does, and i only hope that a little bit of that energy rubs off on me. she's also decided that we're going to start a radio station as our winter project. if any other person had told me that over the winter id help her start our own radio station, id laugh and pass the j. but if kelsey says it, i know it's real and you can probably catch us on the air by may.
in the interest of sweeping the complete skeletons, spare bones, empty veuve and jim beam bottles, stray lengths of rope, used makeup remover wipes, tiny little plastic bags, empty bottles of hair product and jars of skin creams, colorless glitter, and empty and half-full pill bottles out of my closets, im going to post all the notes ive jotted down on my sticky notes since i've had this laptop. theyre coded by color on my screen, but here ill just put a label above the notes.
Yellow Notes - Text I've Written
1) Thursday, November 5th, 2009, 10:26 pm:
ive had a lot of experience with the line between conscious and not / alive and not, both for amusement and in pursuit of a personal question about the nature of eternity; does the soul live forever, or does the mind convince itself that the last moment of life lasts much longer than it does - is "God" the word man uses to explain the brain's ability to rationalize?
ive concluded that the question itself is the answer.
2) Monday, February 28th, 2011, 10:26pm:
Upending the patriarchal definition of 'deviant' sexual behaviors
Strong's Hooker aligns the dichotomy of the Hooker / Non-hooker with the classic Virgin / Whore problem of western society; the Non-hooker/Virgin role pushed on girls by their parents, teachers, and religious organizations values self-respect, pride, compassion, and chastity while the Hooker/Whore identity pushed on them by the equally powerful forces of television and the internet uses sexuality as a tool for obtaining financial independence and power. Strong argues that the 'hustler' mentality of the Hooker/Whore is almost fully formed in most girls by the time they reach school, which I want to argue cannot be true, but I have brothers this age and I've seen the toys and tv shows aimed at their female classmates. While I think Strong comes on a little too aggressively - too radical, maybe - her argument about socially engrained 'hustling' behavior is difficult to discount.
Her equation of the Non-hooker with the traditional social idea of the Virgin didn't quite add up for me, but this may be due to her initial assertion that "there is not much difference between the hooker and the non-hooker." The Virgin role traditionally required of girls values modesty, compassion, pride, fragility, and chastity - all values of Strong's Non-hooker. But Strong argues that the Virgin/Non-hooker is rarely if ever a women's true identity, and women who play this role are actually hustlers, taking advantage of their weakness to secure men.
The dishonesty of women who assume the Virgin/Non-hooker identity indicates "the gap between what is verbalized and what is practiced," Strong's "Big Lie." While I agree that this lie is present in almost all social interactions, I disagree that its ultimate acceptance will lead to mass lesbianism (I know she doesn't directly imply that it will, but it is the logical extension of her argument. If women realize that they can have more rewarding relationships with other women, they will stop assuming either roles of Virgin and Whore because those performances are for men).
Strong's story reminded of the young girl on the train reminded me of the concept of virgin sacrifice, but instead of sacrificing their virgin to a higher power, they sacrifice her to themselves, so that she becomes theirs to sneer at. If anyone knows more about traditional virgin sacrifices it could be interesting to tie into this.
Strong's ultimate argument that the whore who practices openly is morally preferable to the housewife subtly hustling her husband while playing at a marriage because the whore has more integrity. I'd like to hear some opinions on this. I believe in honesty, but I don't know if prostitution can ever be good for a woman.
3) Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011, 10:04pm:
some kind of existential crisis i guess. i cant help but think im trapped in the parallel universe of the true reality in which bio-mom didnt have to get pregnant at 15, and this is why i have so little motivation to really live. its because im not supposed to have happened.
i never thought "cool" would die. i always knew rock and roll would die, and that punk already had, but the whole idea behind it? i never thought "cool" would die! but i think it nearly has. we laugh at anyone who makes any effort, who "tries too hard." but suddenly everyone seems to be trying so hard to be cool that nobody wants to get excited.
maybe i should talk about me instead of generalizing.
4) Saturday, March 26th, 2011, 1:51am:
well, he dreams, apparently. he woke himself up, after waking me up, by kicking his legs emphatically. then i spent about an hour and a half convincing him to go back to sleep. he slept in the car for ten hours from my parents' house in ohio to my place in ny, so he's not exactly exhausted. he's lying across the bottom of my bed now, and, yup, there's the kicking again. Now, what really sucks here is that my parents brought girl scout cookies too, but if i go into the kitchen to eat one he'll wake up again. this is the first significant impact dog ownership has had on my life. also, he is ENORMOUS (and my apartment is not).
i'm reading this book called Resurrection Man by Eoin McNamee. it's about these punk ass IRA kids in Ireland harassing and sometimes killing Catholics, which, obviously, is a story everybody loves to read. The writing, though, is what's really knocking me out. I want to underline every other sentence. Of course, it really isn't about any of those things, and my assessment of quality in writing is unusual. Anyway, i don't know anything about the writer; i picked this book off a reading list for a literature class (that's how i picked my beach reading for spring break) and started it in California. i haven't had time to get to it since columbia bent me over its knee for the relentless ass-beating of the last two weeks, so i'm gonna go get into that for awhile. family therapy session (with the dog) early tomorrow.
5) Sunday, April 10, 2011, 9:35pm:
seriously. before you read this, remember that i'm actually very cool, and have done lots of cool things. Remember that halloween bj in le poisson rouge's bathroom, and 66th street, and that time i made you the worst pancakes ever, and how well i wear heels.
6) Friday, February 11th, 2011, 1:44am:
the real bullshit part of being a funking drug addict is that it doesnt quit or fade. you cant gorw out of it. your e always a fucking junkie.
"hey you want a bump"
and in your mind you say
"yeah sure, then lets grab a drink"
butyou say
"lets just do lines! fuck it!"
bc WTF is a BUMP
bc youre a fuckng drug addict and enough is NEVER enough. enough has never happend
never enough love. never enough time. never enough trust. never enough intimacy. never enough.
7) Thursday March 24th, 2011, 8:48M:
truths, autonomy, astronomy, humanity, integrity, words, pills, rock and roll, green tea, physics, novelty, novels, short stories, and communication
I never wanted to be a high-maintance girl, complicated, with secrets and scars and carrying my history with me, but I find myself, at 22, to have lived at least four complete and separate lives. i kept them all going until, abruptly, i couldn't. The collapse and first attempts at rebuilding my identity took about a year.
I'm now back in New York picking up the pieces and making a fresh start. I intend to tell my stories as fully and honestly as i can.
Blue Notes - Things to Look Up
1) Thursday, June 3rd, 2010, 8:41pm:
BAND: The Growlers
2) Friday, April 1, 2011, 1:01am:
Green Note - KEY
1) Thursday, July 11th, 2011, 3:01am:
KEY
yellow - ive written
blue - things to look up
green - KEY
pink - information, questions
purple - conversations
gray - others' texts, notes on others' texts
Pink Notes - Information, Questions
1) Tuesday, July 27th, 2010, 2:06pm:
ENGLISH PUNCTUATION
period
comma
colon
semi colon
dash
hyphen
apostrophe
question mark
exclamation mark
quotation mark
brackets
parentheses
braces
ellipses
2) Monday, November 14th, 2011, 1:44am:
nullum in verbis:
"dont take anybodys word"
3) Friday, July 23rd, 2010, 8:08pm:
is mathematics invented or discovered?
from entropy to here, sean carroll
4) Monday, November 14th, 2011, 1:42am:
THE ONLY 3 'Dw-' WORDS
dwarf
dwindle
dwell
5) Tuesday, October 26th, 2010, 3:50pm:
[private credit card information]
Purple Notes - Conversations, Letters, etc
1) Friday, August 21st, 2009, 6:30pm:
[private email correspondence]
2) Tuesday, March 1st, 2011, 8:01am:
[private mobile web-messenger conversation]
Grey Notes - Others' Texts and Notes on Others' Texts
1) Thursday, July 7th, 2011, 2:57am:
It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; once we are sober we cannot help seeing that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion! Nor is there anything funny or witty about it; it is only cruel and stupid.
Confession, Tolstoy
2) Sunday, August 24th, 2008, 1:51am:
In ignorance, poverty, and vice, as a pauper or criminal, alone we starve or steal; alone we suffer the sneers and rebuffs of our fellows; alone we are hunted and hounded thro dark courts and alleys, in by-ways and highways; alone we stand in the judgment seat; alone in the prison cell we lament our crimes and misfortunes; alone we expiate them on the gallows.
solitude of self, Elizabeth Cady Stanton
3) Friday, February 25th, 2011, 6:37pm:
we are hunters after reality, wherever it may lead
in bluebeard's castle, george steiner
4) Monday, July 19th, 2010, 2:51am:
I know that night is not the same as day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.
a farewell to arms, heminway
5) Monday, July 19th, 2010, 3:01am:
If people bring too much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. the world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. but those that will not break it kills. it kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. if you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
a farewell to arms, Hemingway
6) Sunday, July 4th, 2010, 7:58pm
Kitty looked into his face, which was so close to her, and then for a long time afterward, for years afterward, that look so full of love which she gave him and which met with no response from him cut her to the heart with tormenting shame.
anna karenina, Tolstoy
7) Wednesday, July 7th, 2010, 9:22pm
"Oh, why didn't i die? It would have been much better!" she said, and tears streamed silently down her cheeks; but she smiled so as not to hurt him.
Anna Karenina, Tolstoy
8) Thursday, July 7th, 2011, 2:54am:
"Looking into his eyes when you were fucking was like watching a televised account of your own death."
"He looked like a man who carried within a tense coil of stored words capable of describing rare and dangerous sexual acts. The congress of the snake."
"He was so backward and shy he needed to stand up twice before he cast a shadow."
"There are things that are penetrable only to fathers of beautiful girls, exclusive sorrows."
"He was a quiet accomplice to the years of his fatherhood and left no discernible trace."
Resurrection Man, Eoin McNamee
9) Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010, 8:27pm:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which I will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,
and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you quite so new
i like my body, e.e. cummings
10) Thursday, May 20th, 2010, 8:17am:
She had always looked, he thought, exactly her age which was now twenty-one. He had been very proud of her for that. But tonight she did not look it. The lines of her cheekbones showed clear as he had never seen them before and she smiled and her smile was heartbreaking.
-Garden of Eden, Hemingway
