Guest Post 9: Miss A

This year I revoked my death wish.

A few of you may remember that I was at death's door last year. Not exaggerating – I weighed 85 lbs at my low point. And I'm 5'6.
I've battled eating disorders my whole life...it was nothing new. I had my mind made up that I would rather die looking and feeling great than live feeling sluggish and soft. So I slowly wasted away...ate nothing but a candy bar here and there, an apple here and there, plenty of coffee and vodka gimlets...
Ultimately, it destroyed my so-called career, public image, several potential romantic relationships. It made my life completely pathetic, so I checked myself into rehab.
Rehab was rehab...I'll publish a memoir on that another time.
I've been a steady 107-112 since I checked myself out. Many of the girls I was in treatment with have been re-committed.
When I left the hospital, I found I just. Didn't. Feel. Anything.....anymore. My moods were a joyless expanse of indifference and boredom. Human company was a chore. My drive to draw, paint, and create came to a standstill. I didn't want to see anyone, fuck anyone, do anything.
Existence was painfully bland – things that might have previously brought me pleasure didn't. Human company, drawing, reading...I suffered through every moment just to get to the next, hoping I would feel something.

I think what saved me was an expedition to San Francisco. I left NYC in the dead of winter, and went to a new place and saw that it was beautiful, sunny, warm, friendly. I did a scene for Kink.com in which I was bound, spanked, pleasured....I screamed, I cried, came super hard. It was so fucking thrilling. Went to LA and did pretty much the same thing.
Recently, I've begun to feel things again. (Things besides drugs.) On a daily basis.
Although I still struggle with mood-regulation disorders, I've begun to feel joy in life again. There is some reward in my day-to-day existence.
I've started loving other human beings again.
So, I'm pleased. It was a big sacrifice for me to ditch my foremost emotional crutch....and it really fucked me up. But it seems my soul has returned

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Oh I forgot to add;

this is one of the most important things to have on a roadtrip:
-the ability to squish any bug w your thumb (soon enough the color of the blood they've ingested will provide enough morbid curiosity to motivate you).
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Things I've learned while road-tripping

(In the order I think of them, not in order of importance)
-put your ice in a waterproof bag before you put it in your cooler
-use the water that collects at the bottom of the color to water your dog or wash your hands in
-have a reliable flashlight
-never waste water
-always have two full gallons of water with you
-carry at least three knives of varying lengths and sharpness (one for prepping food, one for intimidation / protection, one w lots of other tools attached)
-if you suspect one of your water containers may be leaking, but can find no water on the bottom of the car, get rid of it anyway. (My thermals and sweatshirts were soaking up all that leaked water very neatly, I discovered this evening)
-if your knife doesn't have a corkscrew, the wine tastes just as good with the cork in the bottle as it does with the cork removed
-be nice to your fellow campers, bc they are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Don't be shy about sharing, or asking for stuff you need.
-anywhere you stop, is your campground. In mountain-y areas, roadside 'viewing areas' are beautiful places to spend the night.
-carry about 40 bucks in cash. One 20, and the rest small bills
-sleep in long sleeves and long pants and socks (lightweight in summer) to protect from the bugs. The number of sprays and citronella candles and repellent wipes you use does not matter. They will bite you.
-bring a really long book, and about 200 pencils (or pens, whatever you're into)
-pack lightly in every respect except blankets and pillows.
-bungee cords, boat straps, rope, duct tape
-bag for dirty clothes. Don't put them back in w your clean clothes.
-have an overnight bag packed in case you end up at a friend's place
-car chargers for your phone, ipod, laptop, mobile wireless, anything you need. Charge it while you drive
-change your oil every 5000 miles
-keep your toothpaste in its own ziplock
-pack so your passenger front seat is open. Friends don't like sitting in your trunk
-mouthwash (very important)
-bring an atlas, a real-life one, even if your car has a nav system
-have a trash bag in your car. Empty it whenever you get gas.
-refill your water bottles at every free opportunity
-get a real camera, the one on your phone sucks
-texting makes you a SHITTY driver. Don't.
-pull over to take pictures. don't drive and try to be a photographer
-if you take meds, make sure you either bring enough or have worked something out w your doc
-cook over fire. Do not east fast food. Ever. If you make one exception you'll keep on making them.
-know how to build a slow-burning fire
-have enough water (see how important that one is?)
-dont lose shit. Use all the little pockets in your car doors for different categories of stuff
-pack enough batteries for all your shit
-'psssst!' dry spray-on shampoo
-water-free face wipes (I like noxcema, but I know clearasil does one... Get hooked on shit you can go to any drugstore to re-up on)
-tampons. Do not run out.
-two forks, two knives, two spoons, two plates, two cup (if you're going solo. One extra for every person in the car.)
-hiking shoes should have ankle support, water shoes (rafting, canoeing, etc) should have closed toes
-be open to people. You never know where you'll find the best sex of your life.

That's what I've learned so far, and I've only been at this a month!

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Why I like the road

I've got a great big dog,
And a great big knife,
And I get to pick the view
Out my window, every night.
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Excuses, excuses

The problem with doing so much capital-l Living is that it leaves me too tired at the end of the day to tell the stories of what I've just Lived.
Not tired. Tired isn't the right word.
Mentally overwhelmed and emotionally drained is more accurate.
My mind's not tired at all. There're just too many thoughts, too many moments being run through - like my mind is a laundry machine, and each instance of my Living has to be washed separately, has to be spun around over and over and over until I've removed every grain of meaning from it. All the meaning, the dirt, stays in me, and the experiences are constantly replaced by new instances of Life to be churned through and analyzed.
But my mind doesn't wash one load at a time. It's more like an entire laundromat, analyzing the hundreds of moments that comprise my day, washing them thoroughly to lift every minute stain of meaning from each so I can absorb it.
This is why I'm also too emotionally drained to write the day's stories. My emotions are what run the analysis (the washing of experience in this analogy) but are also deeply impacted by what I find. More meaning I extract from a moment means more emotional investment. This is why I feel drained.
Anyway, I hope my laundromat analogy kept you distracted from the lack of actual content on my blog lately, and I beg your understanding, my darling reader.
I'm sure I'll have broken down my experiences enough to write about them for you very soon.
I just need to rest.


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He treats me well.

I left the boy. Here's a pic of directions he sketched for me and the lines I wrote for him while driving today. He drew me directions to ghost towns in landscapes that absolutely knocked me out. Idk if its bc ohio is so flat, and I went from there to gotham city, but the geology I'm learning out here is constantly knocking me on my ass.
Anyway, after we rafted all day - me and my man and kelsey and hers - on a green river trip that included swimming in a super-fine silty MUD, he spent the night w me at the ace kelseys staying, then last night he took nelson and I hiking up the Book Cliffs (I think? I suck w names) w a bottle of merlot to watch the sunset and just look. I could see so far, so many miles in ever direction, and so much history of the land with my river man narrating the view. So we climbed down and he cooked a meal I wish I was eating right now, and then we had sex exactly the way I like it.
That's a big deal, bc so far in my life only one man has achieved fucking me correctly, but that number has now grown to 2. Which does not suck, dear reader.
Now I'm camping by myself on my way into a major city that I'd rather skip but my car needs some repairs.

Ill try to read what I wrote here as I was driving. I doubt its good, but lyricism seems to fit him.

Last night we climbed to and sat on the ridge,
High above all the lives I've lived,
With a bottle of merlot.
From a hundred miles away,
We saw the cars on the highway.
You said "Look at them Go."
You teased that I was helples; we saw land for miles but no town.
We watched the sun slide behind the mesa, and we climbed down.
Without you, I'd've been on that road.

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sexxxxy talk with UT girls

we're getting very in depth thanks to some great ut grown wine about how we make our men cum and what makes us cum.
i just brought out my bag of 'work clothes' and the girls are intimidated. i packed, for this road trip - all my stripper clothes, just in case - everything i may need to work.
dont try on your corset/panty/stocking look in front of your gfs.
anyway, the stars out here are fucking insane.
we're drinking the wine from the tasting we went to.
im about to walk the dog and go to bed.
sexting? we'll see who answers and matters enough to me.
until later....
xoxox