video store porn

I used to watch porn all the time. I had a favorite actress (sasha grey), favorite website (qmov), favorite genre (not going to share). I learned about blowjobs from porn before I could drive, and as I got older I learned many more tricks that made my sex life awesome. I got older, and busier, and then I stopped watching porn. I can't exactly say when it happened, or why. Maybe it was all those gender studies classes at columbia, maybe it was all my friends now working in the sex industry, maybe it's the fact that (excluding age-fetish porn) the overwhelming majority of the women in porn are several years younger than I am. Younger. Younger than I am. And I know fuck-all about life and the world and how shit works.

The local video store has become a significant part of my life ever since I moved into an apartment with minimal internet - not nearly enough to run netflix - but tonight was the first time I braved the maze to the adult section. I guess it never occurred to me before. I browsed for maybe two minutes before I left feeling like a failure, like I've failed my own sex life and I've failed every one of those women by even walking in there. I know that not all sex workers are slaves, I know that plenty of women choose that life and are happy and empowered there. Congratulations, ladies. You're doing god's work. My feelings have nothing to do with you. Well, that probably isn't true, but that's not related to what I mean to communicate.

I don't understand why I'm having an emotional response to the porn at the video store on my block, but I am. I used to be able to enjoy porn and use it to enhance my life, but now it just leaves me confused and unhappy. Why?

If I subdue the massive anger I have at the industry's overwhelming abuse and cruelty toward women generally and it's own actresses specifically, which makes me violently nauseous, if I focus, for the sake of argument, on porn featuring only consenting, happy women, I'm still mired in this confusing anger.
Is it inadequacy? Maybe. Maybe this reaction is rooted in the conviction that because I can not and will not perform the tricks with my orifices those girls (because really, these actresses are mostly younger than I am, so if I mean to be accurate I shouldn't be saying women) perform with theirs, that I am Less Than they are sexually. Than I don't fuck as well as they do. That they have raised the bar in the male conception of femininity to a height I do not aspire to and will never meet.

So, no. I don't want to watch porn any more. And I don't like the idea of it in the damn video store. Get your porn on the internet, privately. And turn down your music and get off my lawn.