when someone you knew dies, you feel wounded like the universe just punched you in the gut, totally unprovoked.
Reeling from the blow, immediately, my mind goes to "how the hell did this happen" than to, "will this happen to me" and finally settles on "how did he(the dead guy) bring this upon himself"
which i suppose is normal, but is also a lousy thing to settle for. Its easier to live in a world where "bad things happen for a reason" than "there is absolutely no fucking reason for this bad thing to have happened."
Im kind of sorry to report that I have finally, landed on the last thought. there is no reason. there is absolutely no reason for the last act of my friend's life to have played out so tragically. If you knew him, than you don't need for me to reiterate the details. If you didn't than it is none of your business. this isn't a "tell all expose." this is a meditation on the complex emotions which surround grief.
The thing about grief is that it is horribly counter-intuitive. For example, during the phone conversations and txt conversations I have recently had with my friends who knew the guy, there have been some genuinely huge belly laughs, like laughing till it hurt, doubled over. the kind of laughing that you do and you feel endorphins kick in, and you feel almost high. Um is that really okay? I should add that some of these jokes, and when I say "some" I mean like 90-100% of them" were either directly or indirectly at the expense of my recently deceased friend. Some of them good natured, but not all of them. After the tears of joy dry and the hitching in my chest stops, I kind of exhale and think to myself "right so should I just go on the internet NOW and book my ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL?"
Clearly this is a time for decorum, for respecting boundaries, for providing an appropriate shoulder for people to cry on, and to ask in only the most appropriate manner possible for that shoulder in return. Late phone calls should maybe be kept before 10pm right? maybe keep it under 30 minutes? maybe not be too much of a burden. Drunk is fine right? but shitfaced is sorta uncool, right? I don't know how I'm supposed to act, there is no manual on how to be an expert griever.
soooo just checking, I wouldn't want to be out of line. Than again, loosing someone is tough enough, and fuck you know that i am still in shock. Really I lost him long ago, right? Really I shouldn't be upset, right? YEah and really sentiments such as these do FUCK ALL when it comes to getting through the day without thinking of a time, a story, an episode, a bit of shame or embarrassment about how I acted or he acted, I was being pretentious, I excluded him, I shouldn't have maybe I was jealous of him, maybe he was jealous of me... these thoughts end up like slivers of broken glass digging their way into my heart, and they really hurt, and I simply don't have the perspective to remove them.
How many times was I embarrassed by him? How many times was he embarrassed by me? TOTALLY SHITTY FRIEND right? Like did he even like me? did I even like him??
I stood by him for years, since I was 4. Nobody else did. I was his first friend, this much I know. So everybody else can go fuck themselves, at 4 years old, I wasn't scared to be friends with him, I wasn't afraid of him. I was occasionally afraid of his family. Know what? I still am. like now more so than ever.
I tried to be a part of his life long after he wanted me around, saying goodbye that first time stung, but I thought that later, down the road we would rekindle our friendship. we never did. this does not make it any easier at all.
----ugh, okay .. as predicted, here is the part where I directly address my dead friend. So Cliche, I know, Im more of a musician than a writer though, so forgive this shitty device.----
Im so sorry. I tried as hard as I could, but I let you go a long time ago. I couldn't help you anymore, and let's face it, those times when you were in NYC and just decided to not call, not let me know, yeah I knew. Likewise, I spent a lot of time in NJ and really didn't call you either. This is definitely not easy to admit.. none of it makes it any easier, and it still hurts, it hurts most of the time. Joking at your expense is definitely helpful, You maybe wouldn't like that I think. You always had a decent sense of humor, of course unless it came to you, you could never joke about yourself, always took yourself so seriously you fucking pretentious twat.
And FUCK YOU for dying and making everybody go away first, FUCK YOU for not fighting harder to get out, to save your own life. FUCK YOU for being so smart, and so talented, and such a beautiful person and than one day suddenly giving up. doing what was easiest, choosing to take the path of least resistance. YEah yeah the universe owed you a favor, sure. It owes all of us a favor buddy, Im still waiting for mine, not holding my breath.
Oh this is so offensive, this is so shocking, I am so not permitted to be angry at you, I NEVER FUCKING WAS, just PERFECT YOU, just so fucking PERFECT ALL THE TIME..... YOU PLAYED JESUS IN A SCHOOL PLAY, YOU WERE NOT ACTUALLY JESUS !!!!!!!! ... I swear you never got that, after that your ego was utterly huge, just like this big hunkering thing. oh christ it was pathetic, I was so angry at your self importance. I couldn't sit in the same room, I felt pushed out by your ugly obese fucking ego!
Was I just jealous? god it maybe pains me to say that I was. You were so smug, fucking dick. Did you know, that during your long long tirades about yourself about the music you were working on or who you were working with, just hours of you talking about yourself, I just sat there nodding my head, like "oh wow that's so amazing, you are so awesome." (meanwhile trying not to DROOL with the TEDIOUSNESS of your LAMENESS.
Did you know that I in my OWN ARTISTIC PURSUITS had not only matched, but totally FUCKING ECLIPSED yours????? DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT???
Like you never once acknowledged a single thing Id ever done, only in the most condescending possible manner, like calculated to make me feel like an ASSHOLE for even attempting to be as brilliant as you. ugh you disgusting piece of SHIT.
----
Still, I hung on to hope, I called, I tried. I spoke to your parents, they asked me not to call, no explanation. Your flaws, they don't make you any less of a beautiful person. I miss you. I really do, and If we were angry, I have to believe that it was because we cared. Desperately in need of one another's approval. This is how brothers act. We were both only children, we had each other to throw this garbage on top of, nobody else really..
It kills me that honestly - it really isn't supposed to be over yet. At 40 we were supposed to be bumping into each other in Reykjavik, or Berlin, or Paris and bragging about the venue we are playing, and introducing each other to whatever asshole celebrity we were having brunch with. at 50, we were supposed to be writing really shitty emails to each other about how I needed to give you back your copy of a very rare CD which I lost (yeah, I lost it on purpose you dick!). Now I don't get any of that. so sincerely, fuck you for taking that away from me and everybody else. I guess I *have* to hold you responsible for your own life? ???
Really it wasn't your fault though. it just wasn't. it was maybe even NOBODY's FAULT. That is the part that I have the most trouble with. I may never figure it out. kinda doubt it. you would have, you were always the smart one, I was better looking for sure, but that really isn't helping me right now at ALL. Im still here, and I am wounded and I loved you all I could and now you are.simply.gone.. so Goodbye, I guess, and of course as usual, Ill say it one last time. Im sorry.
-Asleep at the Glue Factory
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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