My (mostly unsuccessful) return to new york

I lost my credit card, let my car battery die and had to have it jumped by a complete stranger (who then sold drugs to my friends from my backseat), and somehow started a fight with an enormous dude that ended in him following me to my car on a completely empty street and throwing a bottle at me. At some point in there I seem to have deeply offended a long list of people by my failure to be at 2 different parties at the same time.
Oh, and I apparently inspired such regret in the last guy I hooked up with that he's decided he must be an alcoholic.
So I'm not feeling great.

I don't know. I rolled into new york like I would any other town, calm and relaxed and generally happy. You can't do that here, and I forgot. I guess I never left long enough to such an extremely different routine that I lost my new york hyper-awareness. So my guard was down. When you live here you have to be like a squirrel or something all the time, always ready to turn the corner and deal w 5 guys with knives, always anticipating and looking for the next person trying to fuck you over. I lost that 6th ny sense. I'm not tough any more in the way you have to be, I'm not thick-skinned.

Ill never forget that feeling of shattered glass spraying my legs - he was trying to hurt me. I'm just a little girl.
In the rest of america a man doesn't pick a fight with a little girl.

I guess in coming back here I had much higher expectations of "what a Man ought to do" than I should have. I made a lot of mistakes, mentally, and now I remember why I left. I want to grow in a way which I can't here. I want to move beyond this day-to-day constant tension that catches me up in a kind of stasis.

So I don't think I have what it takes right now. When I left I said I would only come back when I'd grown up enough to take advantage of the real opportunities here, when I needed what this city can offer in order to keep growing, when I needed something from new york again. I don't need anything here yet. So I'm leaving, again, for the same reason I left before.
There is nothing for me here right now.

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