Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Pics from Drink & Draw
I took some pics from tuesday night of some of the sketches. there were about 45-50 artists there and some of them were amazing. i couldnt get pics of all the ones i wanted, but here are some to give you an idea of how it went.
it has been a long, long time
since we last spoke. we haven't communicated in almost half a year. i was clearing out my inbox the other day and found some old emails from you. i never would have thought, the first time i read those words, that one day you'd just be an absence, a hole in my life. now that you've erased our entire, five year history of honesty and passion and connection, of daily communication, of being extensions of each other (your words. you said that in one of these emails) i wonder if you even notice that i'm not there any more.
i told you once that i feel you in my head like you're a part of my thought process, and you responded by saying "exactly. and we'll always be a part of each other. no matter what happens, i feel closer to you than i ever had to anyone." you told me your love for me is a given, that you can't even explain it because it feels so natural you don't question and don't see how anyone could.
so do you notice that i'm gone? do you still love me? you said "forever." you said "no matter what." you said even if we haven't seen each other for years and are in relationships with other people, you'll never feel as close to anyone as you do to me and that feeling will never change. so now that it's been months without a word from you, i wonder if you meant all those things, if you love me despite the silence between us, if you think i'm better off without having you in my life and you're trying to do right by me.
or.
maybe.
probably.
you were lying. every word of every one of these emails, every word you ever said to me, whispered to me, mouthed to me from across the bar, every touch, every gentle kiss, was a lie. the only thing you ever did to me honestly was fuck me like you hated me.
the only thing that gets you off is to see me in pain but i think i love you - why didn't you tell me you were a demon from hell???
i dedicate this video to you.
and, btw, shut the fuck up about tommy lee. he is fucking beautiful in this video.
fuck you.
i can't believe the years of my life you wasted. you ruined my heart, and i will never love again. that's the mark you left on my life - a giant scar right where the best years of my life should be.
i told you once that i feel you in my head like you're a part of my thought process, and you responded by saying "exactly. and we'll always be a part of each other. no matter what happens, i feel closer to you than i ever had to anyone." you told me your love for me is a given, that you can't even explain it because it feels so natural you don't question and don't see how anyone could.
so do you notice that i'm gone? do you still love me? you said "forever." you said "no matter what." you said even if we haven't seen each other for years and are in relationships with other people, you'll never feel as close to anyone as you do to me and that feeling will never change. so now that it's been months without a word from you, i wonder if you meant all those things, if you love me despite the silence between us, if you think i'm better off without having you in my life and you're trying to do right by me.
or.
maybe.
probably.
you were lying. every word of every one of these emails, every word you ever said to me, whispered to me, mouthed to me from across the bar, every touch, every gentle kiss, was a lie. the only thing you ever did to me honestly was fuck me like you hated me.
the only thing that gets you off is to see me in pain but i think i love you - why didn't you tell me you were a demon from hell???
i dedicate this video to you.
and, btw, shut the fuck up about tommy lee. he is fucking beautiful in this video.
fuck you.
i can't believe the years of my life you wasted. you ruined my heart, and i will never love again. that's the mark you left on my life - a giant scar right where the best years of my life should be.
get this guys
so my dad has witnessed my flailing around in the real world, and, having come of age in an era when a job should be more than a job, a career should be fulfilling, an income should be not just a means of feeding and sheltering oneself but a source of identity and meaning, he believes that i need to identify my dream and pursue it until it validates me with a supportive income. now, being a person of the world and member of society, i know that this expectation of a job that provides meaning and fulfillment is hopeless. the world simply does not work that way any longer. i know this, because i read the news - the actual news, not that shit those waxy faced people seem to vomit up on television.
(this article particularly)
so i know that it's impossible to make money doing what you love. it's a privilege we simply don't have. i wish i'd turned 23 about fifteen years ago when there were like, careers, and people could pay for luxury and appreciated the arts, and felt that quality was worth money. i wish that was the case, but it isn't. this is why i stripped. thats an ideal job. i worked for about 16 hours a week and made at least two grand every week - leaving me plenty of time to spend all of that money doing whatever shit gave me meaning. i could decide on a new fulfilling, meaningful thing to do every week! now that was fantastic.
unfortunately, "stripper" in ohio just means "prostitute," so that's not really an option now.
luckily, my dad has decided to rescue me - a luxury every girl knows she will never outgrow. we met for lunch last night and he pitched me an idea. he will pay me two grand a month to write every day. i told him once that i read an author (i don't remember who) who said that anyone can write well, but first he has to write about a thousand pages of completely horrible, dreadful, worthless drivel and most people read their first 500 pages, realize it's bullshit, and decide they are not writers. however, by the time any person writes his thousand and first page, if he's not completely dumb, will have learned something and produce at least one perfectly beautiful sentence. and then that person will be a writer.
so i'm now trying to get through the next 700 pages of terrible writing. many of them will appear here, and i apologize for that. ill try to label them so you won't have to sift through my shit. but i will be paid for producing them, so go ahead and try to ponder the reality of my day-to-day life.
(this article particularly)
so i know that it's impossible to make money doing what you love. it's a privilege we simply don't have. i wish i'd turned 23 about fifteen years ago when there were like, careers, and people could pay for luxury and appreciated the arts, and felt that quality was worth money. i wish that was the case, but it isn't. this is why i stripped. thats an ideal job. i worked for about 16 hours a week and made at least two grand every week - leaving me plenty of time to spend all of that money doing whatever shit gave me meaning. i could decide on a new fulfilling, meaningful thing to do every week! now that was fantastic.
unfortunately, "stripper" in ohio just means "prostitute," so that's not really an option now.
luckily, my dad has decided to rescue me - a luxury every girl knows she will never outgrow. we met for lunch last night and he pitched me an idea. he will pay me two grand a month to write every day. i told him once that i read an author (i don't remember who) who said that anyone can write well, but first he has to write about a thousand pages of completely horrible, dreadful, worthless drivel and most people read their first 500 pages, realize it's bullshit, and decide they are not writers. however, by the time any person writes his thousand and first page, if he's not completely dumb, will have learned something and produce at least one perfectly beautiful sentence. and then that person will be a writer.
so i'm now trying to get through the next 700 pages of terrible writing. many of them will appear here, and i apologize for that. ill try to label them so you won't have to sift through my shit. but i will be paid for producing them, so go ahead and try to ponder the reality of my day-to-day life.
Friday, January 13, 2012
i am something to do,
at least according to time out new york.
i think this should've been the whole article,
but alas, it goes on. if you care to read the rest, http://newyork.timeout.com/things-to-do/2459461/east-village.
oh, and Girl-Writer, that's (L-R) Chantilly Lace, Kelly Hurt, Machine Sex, AND Alex M-A-G-N-E-T-I-C.
i think this should've been the whole article,
oh, and Girl-Writer, that's (L-R) Chantilly Lace, Kelly Hurt, Machine Sex, AND Alex M-A-G-N-E-T-I-C.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Drink & Draw
Artists and friends of the Toledo area! One week from today you have the opportunity to participate in one of our city's coolest cultural events - the Art Supply Depo's monthly Drink & Draw!
From 7-10p, a week from today, at 29 S St. Clair Street, you're welcome to bring your favorite drinks and draw a live model - me!
Come participate in this celebration of local art!! Text me with any questions and I very much hope to see you there!!
Xoxo!
Friday, January 6, 2012
my first toledo event
it seems that ill be staying in this town for a little while. im not completely sure how life spit me out here, or the thought process that led me to sign a lease, but i do know that when i was an infant my mother left me unattended on her bed for more than fifteen minutes and returned to find me upside down with my head stuck between her mattress and her bedside table, so that may have had something to do with my decision-making process.
anyway, since im here, i need to start a life for myself, so ive decided to go about it in the field in which ive been traditionally successful - nightlife. it has been a slow start, but i announced my first event today. it isn't exactly nightlife, but if i can get the right people to show up itll help me build the kind of notoriety a good nightlife princess needs.
its just an art model job, but i did invite all eight people i know in this town, and kelsey will invite everyone she knows - and she knows a lot of people - so hopefully our invitees will combine with their expected crowd and it'll be a pretty good show. if you want to win nightlife, you have to be known as rather crazy (the kind of crazy that makes you prone to removing your clothes and buying rounds of shots), and extremely self-confident and comfortable in your skin. Ill exhibit all of these qualities a week from tuesday, when i stand nude in a room of nearly 50 people who will be drawing me while drinking heavily.
the girl running the event just moved to toledo (i didnt ask why. i should have. i will tomorrow) from brooklyn only six months ago and we talked about how you can find a drink and draw event every night of the week in brooklyn and i told her many of my friends and i often modeled for them. (slight embellishment) ill be standing on a platform in the center of the warehouse with artists seated all the way around me - no hiding anything! - and she said i can be as creative or as comfortable as id like with posing and props. im debating just putting my feet shoulder width apart pointed forward, arms straight down, chin up, all defiance and raw human pride like something out of ayn rand, but im glad i have time to think. hopefully ill come up with something more creative. im looking around for lightweight, interestingly-shaped objects like vases or candelabras to hold.
with this and all the writing ive been doing for a yet-to-be-announced musical collaboration im working on, plus the painting ive picked up and the truly incredible book im reading (seeking air, by barbara guest), im feeling pretty creatively fulfilled lately. i never wouldve thought it to be possible, but this is an optimistic post from ohio.
oh! if any of you, my dear readers, are in the detroit/toledo area, id love to see you on the 17th!!
anyway, since im here, i need to start a life for myself, so ive decided to go about it in the field in which ive been traditionally successful - nightlife. it has been a slow start, but i announced my first event today. it isn't exactly nightlife, but if i can get the right people to show up itll help me build the kind of notoriety a good nightlife princess needs.
its just an art model job, but i did invite all eight people i know in this town, and kelsey will invite everyone she knows - and she knows a lot of people - so hopefully our invitees will combine with their expected crowd and it'll be a pretty good show. if you want to win nightlife, you have to be known as rather crazy (the kind of crazy that makes you prone to removing your clothes and buying rounds of shots), and extremely self-confident and comfortable in your skin. Ill exhibit all of these qualities a week from tuesday, when i stand nude in a room of nearly 50 people who will be drawing me while drinking heavily.
the girl running the event just moved to toledo (i didnt ask why. i should have. i will tomorrow) from brooklyn only six months ago and we talked about how you can find a drink and draw event every night of the week in brooklyn and i told her many of my friends and i often modeled for them. (slight embellishment) ill be standing on a platform in the center of the warehouse with artists seated all the way around me - no hiding anything! - and she said i can be as creative or as comfortable as id like with posing and props. im debating just putting my feet shoulder width apart pointed forward, arms straight down, chin up, all defiance and raw human pride like something out of ayn rand, but im glad i have time to think. hopefully ill come up with something more creative. im looking around for lightweight, interestingly-shaped objects like vases or candelabras to hold.
with this and all the writing ive been doing for a yet-to-be-announced musical collaboration im working on, plus the painting ive picked up and the truly incredible book im reading (seeking air, by barbara guest), im feeling pretty creatively fulfilled lately. i never wouldve thought it to be possible, but this is an optimistic post from ohio.
oh! if any of you, my dear readers, are in the detroit/toledo area, id love to see you on the 17th!!
Monday, January 2, 2012
new pics
i haven't given you all a photo update in a while. i've been in a pretty dark place. winter in the rust belt takes a toll on the soul.
anyway, this is pretty much what we do for fun here. bars. they're not grimy as a decor choice; just grimy.
these are the prada glasses that i don't understand why i don't own. i can't think of one good reason for me to not have them. if miuccia prada knew that i don't have them, i believe she'd give them to me.
not to imply i didn't go out for new years. this was the look.
and this was the more important end of the look (darian, when not taking pictures of myself with it, i kept my phone tucked into my stocking all night).
the angst expressed here sums up how i feel about christmas and new years eve.
and this was the more important end of the look (darian, when not taking pictures of myself with it, i kept my phone tucked into my stocking all night).
high res
no more relationships built on unspoken agreements of silence. no more being the other woman. no more emotional investment in relationships that hurt other people or myself.
pay the bills. assume responsibility for each of my expenses.
dress for fun. do not dress to fit in.
learn latin, because it's cool.
always insist on a condom. always.
take the first steps toward long-term goals without expecting the journey to success to be shorter for me than it is for others.
utilize my experience in the music/entertainment fields to build my own success rather than be another person's muse. be my own muse. create something.
don't go back to smoking. too old.
stop with the junk food. too old for that too.
get back to new york. as often and for as long as possible.
pay the bills. assume responsibility for each of my expenses.
dress for fun. do not dress to fit in.
learn latin, because it's cool.
always insist on a condom. always.
take the first steps toward long-term goals without expecting the journey to success to be shorter for me than it is for others.
utilize my experience in the music/entertainment fields to build my own success rather than be another person's muse. be my own muse. create something.
don't go back to smoking. too old.
stop with the junk food. too old for that too.
get back to new york. as often and for as long as possible.
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