it has been a long, long time

since we last spoke. we haven't communicated in almost half a year. i was clearing out my inbox the other day and found some old emails from you. i never would have thought, the first time i read those words, that one day you'd just be an absence, a hole in my life. now that you've erased our entire, five year history of honesty and passion and connection, of daily communication, of being extensions of each other (your words. you said that in one of these emails) i wonder if you even notice that i'm not there any more.
i told you once that i feel you in my head like you're a part of my thought process, and you responded by saying "exactly. and we'll always be a part of each other. no matter what happens, i feel closer to you than i ever had to anyone." you told me your love for me is a given, that you can't even explain it because it feels so natural you don't question and don't see how anyone could.
so do you notice that i'm gone? do you still love me? you said "forever." you said "no matter what." you said even if we haven't seen each other for years and are in relationships with other people, you'll never feel as close to anyone as you do to me and that feeling will never change.  so now that it's been months without a word from you, i wonder if you meant all those things, if you love me despite the silence between us, if you think i'm better off without having you in my life and you're trying to do right by me.
or.
maybe.
probably.
you were lying. every word of every one of these emails, every word you ever said to me, whispered to me, mouthed to me from across the bar, every touch, every gentle kiss, was a lie. the only thing you ever did to me honestly was fuck me like you hated me.

the only thing that gets you off is to see me in pain but i think i love you - why didn't you tell me you were a demon from hell???
i dedicate this video to you.
and, btw, shut the fuck up about tommy lee. he is fucking beautiful in this video.
fuck you.
i can't believe the years of my life you wasted. you ruined my heart, and i will never love again. that's the mark you left on my life - a giant scar right where the best years of my life should be.