drivel

drivel drivel drivel
all i produce
hour after hour
day after day
just drivel

for example: all previous posts

art v model

There is necessarily an imperfect relationship between the artist and the model (i'll be referring mostly to my experience as a photographer's  model, though my ambitions toward being a drawing or painting model will give me more experience in those arenas soon through the art warehouse next door) that, though not always violent, always implies an almost primal sexuality - whether is it violence between each other, or humiliation vs ownership, surrender vs slaughter or even self-sacrifice joined with sacrificial priest, either the artist is photographing his model to confess his love for her, his obsession, his inescapable struggle within her seduction, his surrender to the muse that will ruin him - force him to give up his beliefs - make his work sell for money he hates to people he hates even more....
Or if his model is giving herself, through him, to the greater cause of broadening the definition of art, if she's putting herself in a situation specifically because she gets off on being obliged to the will of a man she never could have imagined, or even if being printed on pages smeared with the sweat of high school boys replaces her high-school love of filling a designer handbag with things no other person wealthy enough to own it would ever carry - a Kate Spade clutch filled with tiny bags of cocaine rocks just ready to be lain on a square of foil (tucked inside the bag's make-up mirror pocket) to be lit (w a lighter inside the bag's lipstick pocket) from below and inhaled through a bic pen with it's ends chopped off (stashed in the bag as well), a McQueen handbag with vials of pills tucked into tiny silk-weave pockets (with their other pockets filled with lipstick tubes empty of color but packed with sterling silver paraphernalia sets), and a half dozen subtle Gucci bags, one for each occasion or season, each hiding an emergency stash and the necessary accessories of each necessity - never because she needed money for those luxuries, only because she finds the dichotomy of a girl like her being so gross around such people, only because she finds it funny that they believe her when she plays like she does.
The artist and his model know that their relationship would not exist if not for the need of a third party - the viewer of what they produce. There would be no reason for their unending sacrifice to each other, their exchange of sado-masochism would be useless without the voyeur, the viewer holding his breath to see if the tension of a photograph can be resolved if he stares long enough.
He needs her, but he knows without her there will be always be another 'her' yet she, she needs him, is praying that the Art she see within him will be enough to get her out her tiny niche in time and propel them both forward, farther, as far as they can if they can just get their charges to connect, to project their intimacy into a world that only the two of them know, at that moment, lacks it completely....
All art is a surrender, of the best of the artist, and the best of his model, to a cause greater than either of them could ever be, but they know, if they can just reach through time a little ways by connecting to the greatest truth of the other, that the pain of their sacrifice will provide a glimpse of truth greater than any pain they could feel.

the meaning of christmas

must be sending gifts to that hot blonde (yes, i am back to blonde, thank god) that you're stalking.
so i recommend you go to this address http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/ls to access my amazon wishlist, and make all my holiday dreams come true :)
thank you, and if you leave a return address, you can expect a hand-written thank you note with a little surprise inside!
xoxoxooxx

christmas wishes

Magic Christmas wishes
Shooting out of your eyes
A candy cake full of snow dreams
A stocking full of smi-i-i-iiiiiles...


http://amzn.com/w/3LXV9YLOK3440

Written on 10.22

You've got your zipper down
like you want something.
Knock on my door, middle of the night -
I was dreaming of something.
Something bigger than you,
Better than you -
My dream was realer than you.
Now you're jumping over my porch,
Do you think you deserve something?

You should know,
One invitation is not
A standing invitation.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

the 5th anniversary of the loss of my virginity

It was my senior year of high school, on the night of thanksgiving. i had just turned 18 about a month before and had known him since the end of the fall rowing season - about 4 weeks prior. he was a student at the local community college and had his own small house in a neighboring suburb. i was introduced to him by some friends who'd been going to parties at his house on the weekends. i started going with them when my weekends freed up, and we developed a bit of chemistry. i started going to his house on weeknights, after going home from school for dinner and homework, then straight from his house to school in the mornings - to "theology" class - the same course in catholic doctrine we had to take every year.
anyway, that thanksgiving i had dinner with my family as usual, then went to his house for his annual thanksgiving party (he had an annual party for every holiday. even the national holidays of other countries). This period of my life, these 5 months, is the only period of my life during which i drank beer. he, unlike myself, LOVED the shit, and had me running out for a purse-ful of cold beers from the case outside every ten minutes.
i liked that it was my job to make sure he always had a cold drink. i trained myself to have one ready when i could tell he was close to finishing his current one - i'd switch out the empty can with the full one while he played cards and wouldn't notice. it was my way of making him rely on me, of ensuring that he'd get to used to me and want me around. this is when i developed a strategy i continue to use to make a man i want want me back. i learned to make myself not just a part of a his life, but a subtle improvement on his life. i was there with the cold drink before he realized that his current drink was empty, about an hour before he was ready for bed i snuck off to clear the clothes from his bed and make it - i was not intrusive. i did little things that made his life a little easier, but always in ways he didn't notice, i improved practically insignificant details that he'd never thought to improve, i could find things he thought he'd lost... i even drove him everywhere because he didnt have a car.
My friends warned me about him before i ever met him, that he was a "player," that he kept a handful of girls on rotation, and that he wouldn't hook up with a girl without fucking her - no making out and blowjobs all night. but, and remember i was a baby when i reasoned this, when we first hooked up he went for the condom but settled for bjs when i told him i never had nor was ready for sex. so, "see? he's different with me. maybe he plays those other girls, but look how considerate and sweet he's being with me. he must really care."
So after four weeks, i decided he'd earned it. it was thanksgiving and we were all getting drunk - and then falling down and passing out and wrecking shit and making a mess of his house so he decided we should go to bed and i told him he could do it.
He fucked me for about 10 minutes before he passed out. it hurt. i didnt cum for the first time until years later.
let me reiterate what happened: not only did i not cum, i had to slide out from under him and his penis out of me, because he PASSED OUT.
My first experience with real sex led me to believe that sex was terribly painful for the person on the receiving end and fucking boring (to the point of actually falling asleep) to the opponent.
This may explain some of my relationships to those among my readers familiar with my personal life and why i keep picking men with daggers where their hearts should be.

A question regarding the nature of facebook, and the young male of today

I have a question for all my male readers:

If you're a guy with a facebook account, and you're dating a girl without a facebook account, would you be

a) a good boyfriend, and report yourself as "in a relationship" on your facebook account?

b) a player, and report yourself as "single," knowing your girlfriend will never see it?

c) or, more feminine and/or childish than your girlfriend for having a fucking facebook account?

Don't answer right away - I want you to really let this sink in and then consider your answer carefully.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Let us now praise famous men

curious, obscene, terrifying, beyond all search of dream unanswerable, those problems which stand thickly forth like light from all matter, triviality, chance, intention, and record in the body, of being, of truth, of conscience, of hope, of hatred, of beauty, of indignation, of guilt, of betrayal, of innocence, of forgiveness, of vengeance, of guardianship, of an indenominable fate, predicament, destination, and God.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

living in the glass city

Today a longtime friend and i were approved to rent, for a grand total of 900 dollars a month, a 1700 sq ft loft apartment over a shop on the best block in downtown toledo. i know what you're thinking, that saying "the best block in downtown toledo" is the equivalent of being excited about getting "the least green slice of salmon sashimi," but there's a movement in this town, an uprising of broke-ass artists, musicians, writers, and performers who cant stand the pressure of new york nor the politics of los angeles to make a haven for themselves. downtown toledo, which was - no exaggeration, not hyperbolically - an empty place when i left it, is catching the fire of this spirit and slowly, but effectively, supporting these creatives and is filled to near-bursting with their passion.

Now, downtown toledo has almost every loft and apartment rented to 20something creatives, who create just to create.

fuck an audience. 

fuck getting press. 

they dont care about that bullshit; they're here because rent is so cheap that they can pay it by serving tables part-time and spend the majority of their hours getting better at what they do. its like the LES five years ago - all possibilities without any of the ugliness money brings. none of us has any, so not one of us feels entitled to getting more than he is. that's no longer true about the LES. no one can say it's still the creative utopia it once was.

anyway, K found this place all on her own after weeks of pounding the pavement, working her ass off to find a place. yesterday she followed a lead from a friend and called a number, this morning we went to look at it, and by this evening, we'd been approved for the lease and i was showing my mom the place!

i love when everything falls into place, and the combined pile of SHIT she and i have dealt with is so enormous - i think we paid some dues and the universe gave us a break on this one.
so we move in the first of december and ill start looking for work within walking distance immediately.

we'll be 45 minutes from my parents' house, half an hour from ann arbor (university of michigan), 45 minutes from DTW (detroit airport), and an hour from bowling green (BGSU - the first, and maybe only, university with a full popular culture dept and major). i mention the proximity of those universities bc id love to finish out the last half of my college education at U of M, or BG if U of M wont take me. I want to get this damn degree finished!

more than anything though, im looking forward to the clean slate i have here. yes, in suburbia, the rumors are sharp-edged and barbed, and flying from beautiful home to beautiful home at the speed of light. but among my peers inside the actual city, im just 'alex.' i have blue eyes, weird hair, and i dress strangely. they mostly think im dykey, but thats fine. i need more friends right now, not more complicated sexual and/or romantic relationships. so i like it! K's spirit has infected me, and i cant wait to start putting her plans into action. details to follow....

the following are some pics of the place in its currently unfinished state. 2 bedrooms, one in the center (mine) with a window over the single story building next to us with a full bathroom just a few feet down the hall, and a slightly larger one (K's) with 2 windows looking at the river with a full bathroom inside. we didnt have to discuss who gets the bigger room - she definitely earned it. the law of finders-keepers makes it her apartment anyway. the shared space is the best part though - an enormous living room with an open kitchen w an island (we're going to put three unmatched antique barstools at it) and granite countertops - and the ceilings in this place! beautiful! oh, and we have a laundry room. not down the hall, not in the basement, not down the block, not 2 blocks down and 3 blocks over - INSIDE our apartment.

theres also a huge grassy lawn across the street for nelson to run around in, and kelsey wakes up mad early and really wants to take him out jogging w her - he's going to love it.
anyway, so here are some vague pics that wont be informative at all:

my bathroom

 living room, street windows

K in the living room, same street-front windows

kitchen, kitchen island, the hallway (4 and a half ft wide) 

with the door to our outdoor patio(!) at the end

our patio and its view

(if it wasnt cloudy you'd be able to see the river.)

Road-Trip On Hiatus & Cleaning Out My Closet

I finished what will be it's final stretch for the foreseeable future. my goal to drive around until i tripped over a goal for my life, however long or short - term that life goal may be. So aimlessly i wandered, absorbing, learning, Living, agreeing to everything proposed to me, and generally doing what I grew up expecting every aimless 20something to do. nomadism is a 20something tradition in america - the great depression forced it on some, kerouac's "on the road" represents a generation defined by it, and yet at some times seems particularly 90s and others thoroughly modern. i loved being a gypsy. i loved it so much. i saw  and did things, met people, and experienced the wilderness like i never have before and may never again. i have no regrets about being a gypsy and hope to continue the trip after a period of stable living. im looking forward to apartment hunting the day after tomorrow with kelsey and even more toward living with her. NOBODY has a force for good as strong and contagious running through him or her to the degree she does, and i only hope that a little bit of that energy rubs off on me. she's also decided that we're going to start a radio station as our winter project. if any other person had told me that over the winter id help her start our own radio station, id laugh and pass the j. but if kelsey says it, i know it's real and you can probably catch us on the air by may.

in the interest of sweeping the complete skeletons, spare bones, empty veuve and jim beam bottles, stray lengths of rope, used makeup remover wipes, tiny little plastic bags, empty bottles of hair product and jars of skin creams, colorless glitter, and empty and half-full pill bottles out of my closets, im going to post all the notes ive jotted down on my sticky notes since i've had this laptop. theyre coded by color on my screen, but here ill just put a label above the notes.

Yellow Notes - Text I've Written
1) Thursday, November 5th, 2009, 10:26 pm:
    ive had a lot of experience with the line between conscious and not / alive and not, both for amusement and in pursuit of a personal question about the nature of eternity; does the soul live forever, or does the mind convince itself that the last moment of life lasts much longer than it does - is "God" the word man uses to explain the brain's ability to rationalize?

ive concluded that the question itself is the answer.

2) Monday, February 28th, 2011, 10:26pm:

    Upending the patriarchal definition of 'deviant' sexual behaviors

Strong's Hooker aligns the dichotomy of the Hooker / Non-hooker with the classic Virgin / Whore problem of western society; the Non-hooker/Virgin role pushed on girls by their parents, teachers, and religious organizations values self-respect, pride, compassion, and chastity while the Hooker/Whore identity pushed on them by the equally powerful forces of television and the internet uses sexuality  as a tool for obtaining financial independence and power. Strong argues that the 'hustler' mentality of the Hooker/Whore is almost fully formed in most girls by the time they reach school, which I want to argue cannot be true, but I have brothers this age and I've seen the toys and tv shows aimed at their female classmates. While I think Strong comes on a little too aggressively - too radical, maybe - her argument about socially engrained 'hustling' behavior is difficult to discount. 

Her equation of the Non-hooker with the traditional social idea of the Virgin didn't quite add up for me, but this may be due to her initial assertion that "there is not much difference between the hooker and the non-hooker." The Virgin role traditionally required of girls values modesty, compassion, pride, fragility, and chastity - all values of Strong's Non-hooker. But Strong argues that the Virgin/Non-hooker is rarely if ever a women's true identity, and women who play this role are actually hustlers, taking advantage of their weakness to secure men.

The dishonesty of women who assume the Virgin/Non-hooker identity indicates "the gap between what is verbalized and what is practiced," Strong's "Big Lie." While I agree that this lie is present in almost all social interactions, I disagree that its ultimate acceptance will lead to mass lesbianism (I know she doesn't directly imply that it will, but it is the logical extension of her argument. If women realize that they can have more rewarding relationships with other women, they will stop assuming either roles of Virgin and Whore because those performances are for men). 

Strong's story reminded of the young girl on the train reminded me of the concept of virgin sacrifice, but instead of sacrificing their virgin to a higher power, they sacrifice her to themselves, so that she becomes theirs to sneer at. If anyone knows more about traditional virgin sacrifices it could be interesting to tie into this.

Strong's ultimate argument that the whore who practices openly is morally preferable to the housewife subtly hustling her husband while playing at a marriage because the whore has more integrity. I'd like to hear some opinions on this. I believe in honesty, but I don't know if prostitution can ever be good for a woman.

3) Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011, 10:04pm:

     some kind of existential crisis i guess. i cant help but think im trapped in the parallel universe of the true reality in which bio-mom didnt have to get pregnant at 15, and this is why i have so little motivation to really live. its because im not supposed to have happened. 

i never thought "cool" would die. i always knew rock and roll would die, and that punk already had, but the whole idea behind it? i never thought "cool" would die! but i think it nearly has. we laugh at anyone who makes any effort, who "tries too hard." but suddenly everyone seems to be trying so hard to be cool that nobody wants to get excited.

maybe i should talk about me instead of generalizing.

4) Saturday, March 26th, 2011, 1:51am:

     well, he dreams, apparently. he woke himself up, after waking me up, by kicking his legs emphatically. then i spent about an hour and a half convincing him to go back to sleep. he slept in the car for ten hours from my parents' house in ohio to my place in ny, so he's not exactly exhausted. he's lying across the bottom of my bed now, and, yup, there's the kicking again. Now, what really sucks here is that my parents brought girl scout cookies too, but if i go into the kitchen to eat one he'll wake up again. this is the first significant impact dog ownership has had on my life. also, he is ENORMOUS (and my apartment is not).

i'm reading this book called Resurrection Man by Eoin McNamee. it's about these punk ass IRA kids in Ireland harassing and sometimes killing Catholics, which, obviously, is a story everybody loves to read. The writing, though, is what's really knocking me out. I want to underline every other sentence. Of course, it really isn't about any of those things, and my assessment of quality in writing is unusual. Anyway, i don't know anything about the writer; i picked this book off a reading list for a literature class (that's how i picked my beach reading for spring break) and started it in California. i haven't had time to get to it since columbia bent me over its knee for the relentless ass-beating of the last two weeks, so i'm gonna go get into that for awhile. family therapy session (with the dog) early tomorrow.

5) Sunday, April 10, 2011, 9:35pm:

    seriously. before you read this, remember that i'm actually very cool, and have done lots of cool things. Remember that halloween bj in le poisson rouge's bathroom, and 66th street, and that time i made you the worst pancakes ever, and how well i wear heels. 

6) Friday, February 11th, 2011, 1:44am:

     the real bullshit part of being a funking drug addict is that it doesnt quit or fade. you cant gorw out of it. your e always a fucking junkie.

"hey you want a bump"

and in your mind you say

"yeah sure, then lets grab a drink"

butyou say

"lets just do lines! fuck it!"

bc WTF is a BUMP

bc youre a fuckng drug addict and enough is NEVER enough. enough has never happend

never enough love. never enough time. never enough trust. never enough intimacy. never enough.

7) Thursday March 24th, 2011, 8:48M:

    truths, autonomy, astronomy, humanity, integrity, words, pills, rock and roll, green tea,  physics, novelty, novels, short stories, and communication

I never wanted to be a high-maintance girl, complicated, with secrets and scars and carrying my history with me, but I find myself, at 22, to have lived at least four complete and separate lives. i kept them all going until, abruptly, i couldn't. The collapse and first attempts at rebuilding my identity took about a year. 

I'm now back in New York picking up the pieces and making a fresh start. I intend to tell my stories as fully and honestly as i can.

Blue Notes - Things to Look Up

1) Thursday, June 3rd, 2010, 8:41pm:

     BAND: The Growlers

2) Friday, April 1, 2011, 1:01am:

    VIDEO: its a wonderful life http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7t79z_it-s-a-wonderful-life-part-13-final_shortfilms

Green Note - KEY

1) Thursday, July 11th, 2011, 3:01am:

    KEY

    yellow - ive written

    blue - things to look up

    green - KEY

    pink - information, questions

    purple - conversations

    gray - others' texts, notes on others' texts

Pink Notes - Information, Questions

1) Tuesday, July 27th, 2010, 2:06pm:

     ENGLISH PUNCTUATION

     period

     comma

     colon

     semi colon

     dash

     hyphen

     apostrophe

     question mark

     exclamation mark

     quotation mark

     brackets 

     parentheses

     braces

     ellipses    

2) Monday, November 14th, 2011, 1:44am:

    nullum in verbis:

   "dont take anybodys word"

3) Friday, July 23rd, 2010, 8:08pm:

    is mathematics invented or discovered?

from entropy to here, sean carroll

4) Monday, November 14th, 2011, 1:42am:

    THE ONLY 3 'Dw-' WORDS

   dwarf

   dwindle

   dwell

5) Tuesday, October 26th, 2010, 3:50pm:

    [private credit card information]

Purple Notes - Conversations, Letters, etc

1) Friday, August 21st, 2009, 6:30pm:

    [private email correspondence]

2) Tuesday, March 1st, 2011, 8:01am:

     [private mobile web-messenger conversation]

Grey Notes - Others' Texts and Notes on Others' Texts

1) Thursday, July 7th, 2011, 2:57am:

     It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; once we are sober we cannot help seeing that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion! Nor is there anything funny or witty about it; it is only cruel and stupid.

Confession, Tolstoy

2) Sunday, August 24th, 2008, 1:51am:

    In ignorance, poverty, and vice, as a pauper or criminal, alone we starve or steal; alone we suffer the sneers and rebuffs of our fellows; alone we are hunted and hounded thro dark courts and alleys, in by-ways and highways; alone we stand in the judgment seat; alone in the prison cell we lament our crimes and misfortunes; alone we expiate them on the gallows.

solitude of self, Elizabeth Cady Stanton

3) Friday, February 25th, 2011, 6:37pm:

    we are hunters after reality, wherever it may lead

in bluebeard's castle, george steiner

4) Monday, July 19th, 2010, 2:51am:

    I know that night is not the same as day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. 

a farewell to arms, heminway

5) Monday, July 19th, 2010, 3:01am:

    If people bring too much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. the world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. but those that will not break it kills. it kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. if you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

a farewell to arms, Hemingway

6) Sunday, July 4th, 2010, 7:58pm

    Kitty looked into his face, which was so close to her,  and then for a long time afterward, for years afterward, that look so full of love which she gave him and which met with no response from him cut her to the heart with tormenting shame.

anna karenina, Tolstoy

7) Wednesday, July 7th, 2010, 9:22pm

     "Oh, why didn't i die? It would have been much better!" she said, and tears streamed silently down her cheeks; but she smiled so as not to hurt him.

Anna Karenina, Tolstoy

8) Thursday, July 7th, 2011, 2:54am:

     "Looking into his eyes when you were fucking was like watching a televised account of your own death."

"He looked like a man who carried within a tense coil of stored words capable of describing rare and dangerous sexual acts. The congress of the snake."

"He was so backward and shy he needed to stand up twice before he cast a shadow."

"There are things that are penetrable only to fathers of beautiful girls, exclusive sorrows."

"He was a quiet accomplice to the years of his fatherhood and left no discernible trace."

Resurrection Man, Eoin McNamee

9) Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010, 8:27pm:

     i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which I will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you quite so new 

i like my body, e.e. cummings

10) Thursday, May 20th, 2010, 8:17am:

       She had always looked, he thought, exactly her age which was now twenty-one. He had been very proud of her for that. But tonight she did not look it. The lines of her cheekbones showed clear as he had never seen them before and she smiled and her smile was heartbreaking.

-Garden of Eden, Hemingway

An Anonymous Reflection

how much fun were we having?
what were we anticipating?
did we think that was forever?

my morbid outlook on life makes it hard to not feel sad whenever i see old photos.

But I've never been superstitious.

The universe doesn't seem to care.
It sends me signs anyway.

A giant black bird aimed at my face, accompanied by the loudest sound I've ever heard - I guess I wouldn't have noticed anything more subtle.
It was an omen though.

My mountain man met a waitress, and "it happened pretty fast, but its serious..."

The bottle of veuve I bought for my birthday, that I've been saving for our reunion, bc champagne corks popping go so well with hugs and smiles and "I missed you"s, I'm not saving any more.

I bought it myself and I'll drink it myself. Camped in utah, for no reason.

Goodbye, my dream indiana jones, and congratulations.
Keep writing, and taking your pictures.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST

A CROW JUST FLEW INTO MY WINDSHIELD

I'm going 83 mph.

That was a noise like lying on the floor in front of a kick drum (an experience I have had, btw).
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

"...like i'm the only girl in the world - "

Never take a muse's love for granted
She flies by like a fairy,
but she carries her heart with her.


She'll give you her word -
with a "Promise,"
with a capital 'P.'


You should always be wary, though - 

Always be aware of her nature - 

For she'll always leave you, on your Own. 

Need Ca$h?????

 -NOTICE: CASH PRIZE FOR BRINGING OR MAILING MY PASSPORT FROM NYC TO NW OHIO. CONTACT FOR FURTHER INFORMATION / DETAILS. DEADASS SERIOUS. I KNOW MY READERS NEED CASH. IT WAS LAST SEEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK HOME OF RICHIE RICH.-

The penultimate day of october.

[All the people (like)] to [watch] him [ride] through the

Town.
They like to [note how] his broken parts are breaking

Down,
They study how [(they) wash off his makeup] [like tears] on a very [sad (old)]

Clown.
Nobody tells him why [they're watching him], though. They just [let him] keep [ridin'


m'Round].

My (delayed) 23rd birthday celebration

At 1800 (all times are in california / pacific coast -and also, for clarity, military - time) tonight, after I went to brother 2's flag-football game (which squeezed in me a competitive trigger untouched since may 07. bmom had never seen me so competitive and it surprised her. anyway, during this game he scored an impossible TD and his team won by 1 point after their competitors tried and failed a hail-mary double pt play in the last 13 seconds. we saw the last half of this very exciting game after bmom and i also sprinted through a lightning-speed costco trip (26 minutes) - and i followed it by a post-game catnap, then bmom and i picked brother 1 up from and dropped brother 2 off at their private soccer lesson, during which we watched brothers 3 and 4 and nelson sprint around a playground. while walking home, nelson sold his soul to brother 4:

after, biomom, with all 4 four brothers plus nelson rounded up in the yard back home, made and served a dinner of tacos and got the boys bathed and into pajamas.

anyway, by 1900, after helping in the little capacity i could, i felt dead. Like my legs were dead, like they were just lead weights propped up on an ottoman while i read fran lenowitz (im OBSESSED with her btw. expect a post about Metropolitan Life and Social Studies soon)  my legs, though..... i was so tired it was like I could not even get up to fill my wine glass [(I asked bro 1 (age 10) for a top-up and was informed by bmom that her children aren't allowed to serve drinks, prompting me to swear that by age 10 my child(ren) will be (a) trained bartender(s)].

Anyway, luckily I'm prescribed amphetamines "as needed," which brilliantly allows me to determine their necessity, so I took the prescribed dosage to get me on my feet and bmom and I finally celebrated my birthday. it's the 3rd day since my actual birthday and thirteen since hers, so im glad she talked me into getting off my ass and going out - all my NY friends (esp poor joce; god only knows how many times she's tried) will know exactly how difficult that is to do. 

She took me to the local drag show which we've meant to attend every single time I've come to see her. We finally went, it was their halloween show, and it kicked ass. Here are some pics:

This first one i've had to edit a bit (as poorly as possibly) to change the color/exposure/saturation/temperature/etc so my bmom, the super-hot subject of this photo, would be visible. i assume if i follow what everything she's done (except with the having kids) ill look that good in 15 years.

serioulsy, look how hot she is. im proud of her for protecting her smarts and her body and keeping them just for herself. i love her.i mean, i would too if she were stupid, but im so glad she's one of the 3 - 5 people living smarter than i am. im <3 my 2 moms.

these next three are chanel (she was on Drag Race, is an incredible performer, we all love her, etc, etc.). the 2 of her 2nd performance actually scared all hell outta me, and i tried to become invisible as she scratch/caressed the woman next to me with her face pins. horrow show. but incredibly well done! the last pic is of her 1st show, done to "uninvited" - that killer feministo song from the 90s - and she KILLED it, 

after this show we went out to the local dive bar and i just realized i left my credit card there. fuck. ill have to go tomorrow and get it. no matter how grown up / close to real / responsible i get, i will always forget things everywhere. only the most important things, at only the most important places.

 -NOTICE: CASH PRIZE FOR BRINGING OR MAILING MY PASSPORT FROM NYC TO NW OHIO. CONTACT FOR FURTHER INFORMATION / DETAILS. DEADASS SERIOUS. I KNOW MY READERS NEED CASH-

alright well i want some sleeping. im obsessed with this book so ill be reading it until i pass out.

more for you in a few days, dear reader.

An amendment to yesterday's post

I think I'm not so much bored as much as I am tired.
I would devote more thought to the issue but none of my neurons are firing.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

still in california.

this is a long stay. i planned it this way. i knew it was going to be a long stay when i committed to it. bmoms birthday, my birthday, and halloween - the first time we'd spend each of those days together, all three incredibly significant in both of our lives.
im currently feeling rather stagnant. while tagging along w bmom to return some too-small boots to nordstrom, i had a bit of an identity crisis brought on by my complete lack of a look. im style-less. i have none. my hair, because im growing it out, just looks like nothing, just a mousy brown shag on top of an increasingly shapeless body and lined face. idk if i just feel the loss of the edge on which i used to live, or if i really have lost my personal edges. maybe im not out here in america forming an identity, maybe im losing the only one that ever gave me a degree of success and confidence.
im just so damn bored.
im fucking tired of wearing clothes that dont matter, of my body being in the shape it's in, of my hair just looking like brownish nothing piled on top of my head.
i want to be looked at like i matter! yes, its shallow and lame and fucking embarrassingly gross to type out but im bored by my own life.
more valium.
anyway, here are some pictures.

the only celebrating we had time for, my birthday brunch. it was fun. it isnt all dull. sometimes there's champagne

more pictures of my damn dog doing what he does best. sleeping. means he likes it here i guess.

some pics of my brothers being adorable, which is what they do best.

theyre fun when theyre happy. but its hard not to want to step in and - i guess im learning a lot about parenting. its a valuable experience.

my birthday brunch cappuccino. look, its all.. cute n shit.

 a picture of me sleeping, between other people, also sleeping. sums it up i guess.

well anyway. im not as unhappy as this post suggest. just bored. and have been wearing god damn sweats for too god damn long. i dont even need to carry a knife any more - i havent been hit on in months. i cant believe i miss that shit, but without it i feel rather like shit.

Review of 'Cruddy' by Lynda Barry

By "bio-mom"
(contact me for more information)

I love this book because it comes from the bottom of her feet. It's pulled up through her whole body; she's saying "this is everything I am from my toes to my kneecaps to my torso to my head this is all of it and I'm screaming it out to tell it to you."
(She said many more paragraphs than that but i couldnt tap the words into my shitty bberry curve qiuckly enough. anyway, if she rec's a book, you read it, because her taste in lit is a thousand time better than yours, you dad's, and your favorite prof's taste will ever be. accept it.)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Song-writing with bio-mom

All we have so far is a pre-chorus, but it may work as a chorus. We're accepting verse suggestions.

"Please don't kill us,
Please don't kill us,
It'd be so much better
If we weren't dead.

Please don't kill us,
Please don't kill us,
And take that gun away
From my head."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

part 5 of the comeback blog

i think ill finally be done catching up after this post.

here're some pics of me and Dog sleeping in the car:

and here's some pics my parents sent from their pacific dream vaca:

they really seem happy, and im so happy bc of that. they deserve some stress-free time to really enjoy each other and relax. look at that view!!

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heres Bmom's final present:

the antique box and spool of string i picked up from her favorite shop in her hometown, the blue bundle on top holds the necklace, and the bundles of sage hide the mug from famous moms' which holds a hand written mythology of sage and a glass bottle of red desert sand. she liked it and im very proud of it.

ok, mostly caught up.
i havent decided yet if i want to talk about the surgery i had yesterday.
so, for now, goodbye dear reader.
xxxo

part 4 of the comeback blog

at the end of our two weeks together we went back to the town where i left my car and got dinner at this place

the food was about what youd expect, but i got a great mug that says "famous mom's" for biomoms birthday on the 16th, so that was cool. then we got ice creams and walked around the little town, but when we were ready to leave and go camp for the night we noticed that my car wasnt where we left it. 

so i freaked out, but my mtn man stayed very calm (and calmed me as well), as we went to the sheriffs office, where we found it had been impounded after two days for 'abandonment.' we stayed the night in a trashy motel (i really do love trashy motels) and rescued it in the morning. he was incredibly patient and sweet about the whole ordeal. then we parted ways. he went on to do more research for his book, and i went back to get nelson and drive west to bio-mom's for our birthdays.

nelson was excited to see me.

it felt good to be back in the car with him. my car bed feels like home to me now. i like having him back.

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that night i ran out of windshield wiper fluid and i figured id have to take my car into a shop or something when i got to biomoms town. then when i stopped to get gas i noticed they sell the stuff on the cheap! so i bought some and taught myself to open the hood and fill up the fluid tank! 1st time!

i woke people up to brag about it because i was very proud of this experience. its like im becoming a grown up. :) 

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the next day was more driving, but i did firm up my idea of biomoms bday present. i collected more than a dozen cuttings of sage along the road, bundled them, and pinned them to roof of my car to dry. here's the view of the desert w some sage in the way, and a pic of the sage-drying op in my car.

i also stopped at a navajo crafts fair that i accidentally found myself driving through and got myself a couple rings and a necklace to add to Bmoms gift.

they were fascinated by nelson. he got LOTS of attn and free snacks.

part 3 of the comeback blog

ugh. while walking Dog last night i got some drunk texts from Mr 09 that just threw me off. just when you think youve finally put someone out of your life, when for the first time you know that your future wont include him and that youll be ok - that youll be better, even, he just appears on your phone with the same jokes and the same awful chemistry lights back up...

ANyway...

there's Mtn Man! he's taking pictures of an old ghost town structure - doin what he does. there were alot of interesting structures and foundations on that mountain face. i left the picture-taking to him bc he's better at it, so you'll have to buy his book to see the real photos of the things we saw. he knows so much about everything we saw and answered all my questions and when he didnt know the answers we looked it up together that night while the tea was heating up over the fire. i cant not smile thinking about it.
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when we left those mountains we moved farther south where the climate didnt allow for the alpines and flat-leaf trees of the previous nights; our new digs were much more desert-y. but up on the plateau, at that elevation, one morning when we unzipped the tent we still found nearly half a foot of snow waiting for us.
we spent a few nights at this site but we couldve spent weeks. the town here was enormous and had a reputation for being the drinking-est, whoring-est town in the west - along with having the richest mines. we found at least a dozen shafts that i very badly wanted to explore but Mtn Man wouldnt let me bc they probably wouldve collapsed on me or something awful.
i learned a lot about not being unnecessarily reckless.
he has guns though, for coyotes and bears and hunting bunnies for stews, and he finally taught me how to shoot 'em. this is me about to shoot a shotgun for the very first time. it kicked back a bit, but i didnt fall down or anything, and my aim was pretty ok.

check out that form! im basically a pro. i could totally be an assassin.
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we had to drive into a city to get his oil changed and re-up on supplies, so obviously we hit a dairy queen.  (my cone is the one on the right)

we share very strong feelings about ice cream; it should be consumed daily. it is the greatest food. usually we hit up gas station ice cream sandwiches or those pre-wrapped cones, so DQ day was a big day for us.
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This is Zion ntl park. we both tend to dislike ntl parks bc of the way they turn nature into a safe, approachable tourist-infested disneyland and take away all of its reality, but neither of us had been to this one and had heard impressive things, so we decided to check it out. i got this pic after we scrambled up a steep hill / cliff. we also share a love of scramble-climbing.

this is what we climbed. i took this pic after we climbed down. see the yellowish crevasse just to the left of center? thats where we climbed.

thats me posing on top of the cliff. it was a really fun climb.

and here's the bridge out of the park to the next ghost town. the next morning we took baths in the river under this bridge, event though it was super icy cold.

part 2 of the comeback blog

the last post i put up was a summary of my last three weeks and some preemptive tying-up of loose ends.
this one will tell as much of the important parts as it can - what shows up here is whatever pops up in my head as i write and look at photos and go through my phone and read my texts and go through the things in my pockets.
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so i just confirmed my dinner on saturday night in LA. my parents have an extra long delay there on their way back from their incredible pacific island vacation back home. they've been married 35 YEARS so i completely LOVE that they recognize how badly they owe themselves a vacation, and that the size of that debt warrants a fantastic, dream-island so far from everything that causes them stress. it's been great for us therapeutically as well, because my dad has this thing that compels him to have morning and evening contact with me daily, he makes my mom call in before and after she drives anywhere.... there's an anxiety level that i think their absence from cell range will help.
lets get into my updates.

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this is the picture i took while staying w a (temporarily homeless) jocelyn after i freaked out after a standard new york experience that i couldnt handle (bc i'd been away for too long and lost my thick skin) so i shoved joce in my car and drove us to a state park in NJ (because my car-bed is my comfort zone / home and i prefer it to any home available to me) where we slept for the day. 

that experience not only gave us a peaceful, lakeside morning, but this photo of the citizens of new jersey driving into the city for their morning commute. 

Were i an artist, i would blow up and publish this photo without commentary beyond its title (NJ Morning Commute) because i think this photo says a lot all by itself. 

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while driving to meet my mountain man for the most transformative, beautiful two weeks (if not) of my life (than that i can remember) i rounded a turn heading up into the mountains, found this cow across my lane(!), and had to stop abruptly (my right hand shot into the backseat to hold nelson back. im turning into a parent) because i wanted, obviously, to pet it. so after we passed this cow i pulled over, left nelson in the car, and got out and approached the cow with my palms toward her. when i got within three feet of her and was about to reach out to stroke the brow over the big liquid chocolate eye facing me, she backed away! and it made me so sad, bc i know she wasnt afraid of me. she's afraid of people. whatever had been to her to provoke  that reaction just broke my heart. so i left her alone and got back in my car, and gave nelson many dog treats. 

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this pic is of an introductory page of a book i found after a lot of things had happened. it was taken the night Mountain Man and I returned to the south-eastern utah town in which we met in order to board my superdog in an incredible doggie summer-camp (which i will recommend to you if you contact me), went to an incredible bookstore, and went out to dinner at an italian place.

we were seated/hidden on the second floor and celebrated our bookstore finds. his was excited about, among other treasures, an atlas that not only showed blm (bureau of land management) land but the deterioration of the roads. it shows roads as they decline from gravel to dirt to rock to grass to 3ft wide grades on the edge of a mtn - it will be incredibly useful for his research and daily life. 

my big find was a $40 first edition of Tristram Shandy; the Life and Opinions of a Gentleman - and i know it was an original printing because of this picture!!!

LOOK AT THAT!!!! I own the 894th copy of the first thousand copies of this extraordinary text to reach the US and i only paid 40 bucks for it!!! so at, what he pointed out, was our first real dinner-date, we mostly discussed bookstore finds (which is my favorite topic. <3)  

the next afternoon i booked nelson into the dream-doggie-digs and went to the pharmacy to pick up my subox. they didnt have it til 48 hrs later, so i met Mtn Man in a small town, parked my car in an area free of no-parking signs, got in his pick-up, and we set off off on our journey!!!

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i took this pic of a beautiful navajo sandstone extrusion on oct 4th as we drove to our first ghost town. it took about three, probably four or five days for Mtn Man and i to adapt to each other's systems and habits enough to get beyond that introductory strangeness and get used to each other enough to be able to be together every day. the beginning of our adventure presented a few obstacles - we were both used to our own systems of eating and setting up camp our own way, but i think i adapted to his routines as quickly as i could, and he accepted my presence more easily than he might have - he has been doing this all alone for over a year. i learned as quickly as i could the way he liked his bed set up, his kitchen arranged, his tent pitched - so we got along. i like to think he appreciated my efforts and i certainly appreciated his cooking - my Mtn Man is a GENIUS chef. every morning and night he created a meal even greater than the one before it - i cant tell you how delicious his food is. his goal was to fatten me up, and, my dear reader, im sorry to admit that he may have succeeded! his cooking is incredible. i wish i'd've photo'ed some of his stews... My God! I cant even think about them without my mouth watering!! 

I need to walk the dog, turn off all the lights at BM's house, and switch to bed-blogging now. I'll be back soon for further, juicer updates.....

(ps: including pictures of my Mtn Man himself!! :) .....) 

the start of my return to the blog

When i dont update for a long time i feel so overwhelmed by the amount of tales to tell and accompanying photos to post that i put off updating, and then, because i cant put off living, i end up with even more stories to post, and it gets increasingly difficult to know how to start.
the blog would be most readable if i started from where i left off, and told all the tales chronologically up to today, logical but slightly less easy to read if i told today's stories and went backward until i caught up with where i left off, but writing it would be easiest if i just start with what im thinking about right now and write todays stories, then tell tales from the past three weeks as i think of them.
obviously, because i doubt the existence of my "reader," i'm going to choose the last of those three options - why make life easier for someone who i doubt exists when i could do i what i want?

i just organized all the photos that went from my phone to my desktop, and there are four that dont really fit in with any of my other stories so this post will be about them.

this is the halloween costume bio-mom has selected for me. she's a character from yo gabba gabba, which is now on netflix (watch it ALL) and is my baby brother's (2.5 y/o) favorite show and the costume is NOT the sexy version of anything; its a big bag of stuffing that will make me look twice as heavy as nelson. my mom's going as dj lance and the baby is going to be brobee (who's green and has extra long arms and will be portrayed ADORABLY).
halloween has always been a big deal for me and my parents because it was the day my parents got me from the lawyer that negotiated my adoption, so they dubbed it my 'homecoming' and made it almost a secondary birthday for me. for bio-mom, however, its been a miserable day for the last 23 yrs bc its the anniversary of the day a lawyer took her baby away. so halloween '11 will be a big day because it will be the first halloween that biomom and i have ever spent together - we'll play it like its all about my little brothers, but it's going to be a big day for both of us and im very much looking forward to it. the last time i saw her on a halloween was early in the morning, yr 1988, when she handed me to a nurse who handed me to the lawyer who handed me to my parents. on halloween, yr 2011, no one will take me anywhere. i think it'll sink in for us and have a gradual emotional impact for us on that day. it really is a big deal if you think about it.
in rehab, my roommate was a girl about 2 yrs older than i am who'd become an addict to deal with giving away her baby - she'd fallen into the open arms of oxycotten after surrendering the product of an accidental pregnancy to the arms of a couple much like my parents 20 yrs ago. she and i obviously got close - which i think was the all-along plan of the rehab - so i learned alot about what my mom went through post-adoption.
all of this is by way of saying that this halloween will be the continuation of a cycle that started going 'round a long time ago, and im looking forward to halloween even more than i usually do this year.

this next one is my brothers in the waiting room at the pediatrician's office.

(L-R) T - 8 y/o, D - 2.5 y/o, L - 10 y/o, F - 5 y/o
L just sold a song he wrote to Cake, and signed on to star in the first single of their next record. He is unbelievably cool and takes it for granted, and thinks  everyone in the US has te opportunities he's had. orange county is a fucking crazy crazyass INSANE place. i cant get into it.

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this is my new signature look. my former look, as you may be or probably are not familiar with, was either a large T, with the sleeves torn out, no pants, and big pumps, a gogo look, or mens M tee with tights. the new look is the pillowcase dress. i like it paired with thigh highs and pumps or with bare legs and flat knee high boots.
this picture was taken my first night in NY for nyfw ss12, at a part djed/thrown by my very dear, very close friend mister brendan sullivan, my incredibly loyal and faithful and loving friend and the voice of my generation. a mentor in many ways.

this last pic is one joce sent me sometime in early september that i have yet to decipher. that girl. id giv e anything to be able to live the way she does, to keep up with her life. she's a miracle in boots on wheels.

a take on my recent adventures in the west

http://laughingfish.blogspot.com/2011/10/fall-in-sevier-county.html

with some truly beautiful pictures accompanying it

the Grievances of the Wall Street Occupiers

Declaration of the Occupation of New York City

This document was accepted by the NYC General Assembly on september 29, 2011


As we gather together in solidarity to express a feeling of mass injustice, we must not lose sight of what brought us together. We write so that all people who feel wronged by the corporate forces of the world can know that we are your allies.

As one people, united, we acknowledge the reality: that the future of the human race requires the cooperation of its members; that our system must protect our rights, and upon corruption of that system, it is up to the individuals to protect their own rights, and those of their neighbors; that a democratic government derives its just power from the people, but corporations do not seek consent to extract wealth from the people and the Earth; and that no true democracy is attainable when the process is determined by economic power. We come to you at a time when corporations, which place profit over people, self-interest over justice, and oppression over equality, run our governments. We have peaceably assembled here, as is our right, to let these facts be known.

They have taken our houses through an illegal foreclosure process, despite not having the original mortgage.
They have taken bailouts from taxpayers with impunity, and continue to give Executives exorbitant bonuses.
They have perpetuated inequality and discrimination in the workplace based on age, the color of one’s skin, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation.
They have poisoned the food supply through negligence, and undermined the farming system through monopolization.
They have profited off of the torture, confinement, and cruel treatment of countless animals, and actively hide these practices.
They have continuously sought to strip employees of the right to negotiate for better pay and safer working conditions.
They have held students hostage with tens of thousands of dollars of debt on education, which is itself a human right.
They have consistently outsourced labor and used that outsourcing as leverage to cut workers’ healthcare and pay.
They have influenced the courts to achieve the same rights as people, with none of the culpability or responsibility.
They have spent millions of dollars on legal teams that look for ways to get them out of contracts in regards to health insurance.
They have sold our privacy as a commodity.
They have used the military and police force to prevent freedom of the press. They have deliberately declined to recall faulty products endangering lives in pursuit of profit.
They determine economic policy, despite the catastrophic failures their policies have produced and continue to produce.
They have donated large sums of money to politicians, who are responsible for regulating them.
They continue to block alternate forms of energy to keep us dependent on oil.
They continue to block generic forms of medicine that could save people’s lives or provide relief in order to protect investments that have already turned a substantial profit.
They have purposely covered up oil spills, accidents, faulty bookkeeping, and inactive ingredients in pursuit of profit.
They purposefully keep people misinformed and fearful through their control of the media.
They have accepted private contracts to murder prisoners even when presented with serious doubts about their guilt.
They have perpetuated colonialism at home and abroad. They have participated in the torture and murder of innocent civilians overseas.
They continue to create weapons of mass destruction in order to receive government contracts. *

To the people of the world,

We, the New York City General Assembly occupying Wall Street in Liberty Square, urge you to assert your power.

Exercise your right to peaceably assemble; occupy public space; create a process to address the problems we face, and generate solutions accessible to everyone.

To all communities that take action and form groups in the spirit of direct democracy, we offer support, documentation, and all of the resources at our disposal.

Join us and make your voices heard!

*These grievances are not all-inclusive.


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