The penultimate day of october.

[All the people (like)] to [watch] him [ride] through the

Town.
They like to [note how] his broken parts are breaking

Down,
They study how [(they) wash off his makeup] [like tears] on a very [sad (old)]

Clown.
Nobody tells him why [they're watching him], though. They just [let him] keep [ridin'


m'Round].

My (delayed) 23rd birthday celebration

At 1800 (all times are in california / pacific coast -and also, for clarity, military - time) tonight, after I went to brother 2's flag-football game (which squeezed in me a competitive trigger untouched since may 07. bmom had never seen me so competitive and it surprised her. anyway, during this game he scored an impossible TD and his team won by 1 point after their competitors tried and failed a hail-mary double pt play in the last 13 seconds. we saw the last half of this very exciting game after bmom and i also sprinted through a lightning-speed costco trip (26 minutes) - and i followed it by a post-game catnap, then bmom and i picked brother 1 up from and dropped brother 2 off at their private soccer lesson, during which we watched brothers 3 and 4 and nelson sprint around a playground. while walking home, nelson sold his soul to brother 4:

after, biomom, with all 4 four brothers plus nelson rounded up in the yard back home, made and served a dinner of tacos and got the boys bathed and into pajamas.

anyway, by 1900, after helping in the little capacity i could, i felt dead. Like my legs were dead, like they were just lead weights propped up on an ottoman while i read fran lenowitz (im OBSESSED with her btw. expect a post about Metropolitan Life and Social Studies soon)  my legs, though..... i was so tired it was like I could not even get up to fill my wine glass [(I asked bro 1 (age 10) for a top-up and was informed by bmom that her children aren't allowed to serve drinks, prompting me to swear that by age 10 my child(ren) will be (a) trained bartender(s)].

Anyway, luckily I'm prescribed amphetamines "as needed," which brilliantly allows me to determine their necessity, so I took the prescribed dosage to get me on my feet and bmom and I finally celebrated my birthday. it's the 3rd day since my actual birthday and thirteen since hers, so im glad she talked me into getting off my ass and going out - all my NY friends (esp poor joce; god only knows how many times she's tried) will know exactly how difficult that is to do. 

She took me to the local drag show which we've meant to attend every single time I've come to see her. We finally went, it was their halloween show, and it kicked ass. Here are some pics:

This first one i've had to edit a bit (as poorly as possibly) to change the color/exposure/saturation/temperature/etc so my bmom, the super-hot subject of this photo, would be visible. i assume if i follow what everything she's done (except with the having kids) ill look that good in 15 years.

serioulsy, look how hot she is. im proud of her for protecting her smarts and her body and keeping them just for herself. i love her.i mean, i would too if she were stupid, but im so glad she's one of the 3 - 5 people living smarter than i am. im <3 my 2 moms.

these next three are chanel (she was on Drag Race, is an incredible performer, we all love her, etc, etc.). the 2 of her 2nd performance actually scared all hell outta me, and i tried to become invisible as she scratch/caressed the woman next to me with her face pins. horrow show. but incredibly well done! the last pic is of her 1st show, done to "uninvited" - that killer feministo song from the 90s - and she KILLED it, 

after this show we went out to the local dive bar and i just realized i left my credit card there. fuck. ill have to go tomorrow and get it. no matter how grown up / close to real / responsible i get, i will always forget things everywhere. only the most important things, at only the most important places.

 -NOTICE: CASH PRIZE FOR BRINGING OR MAILING MY PASSPORT FROM NYC TO NW OHIO. CONTACT FOR FURTHER INFORMATION / DETAILS. DEADASS SERIOUS. I KNOW MY READERS NEED CASH-

alright well i want some sleeping. im obsessed with this book so ill be reading it until i pass out.

more for you in a few days, dear reader.

An amendment to yesterday's post

I think I'm not so much bored as much as I am tired.
I would devote more thought to the issue but none of my neurons are firing.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

still in california.

this is a long stay. i planned it this way. i knew it was going to be a long stay when i committed to it. bmoms birthday, my birthday, and halloween - the first time we'd spend each of those days together, all three incredibly significant in both of our lives.
im currently feeling rather stagnant. while tagging along w bmom to return some too-small boots to nordstrom, i had a bit of an identity crisis brought on by my complete lack of a look. im style-less. i have none. my hair, because im growing it out, just looks like nothing, just a mousy brown shag on top of an increasingly shapeless body and lined face. idk if i just feel the loss of the edge on which i used to live, or if i really have lost my personal edges. maybe im not out here in america forming an identity, maybe im losing the only one that ever gave me a degree of success and confidence.
im just so damn bored.
im fucking tired of wearing clothes that dont matter, of my body being in the shape it's in, of my hair just looking like brownish nothing piled on top of my head.
i want to be looked at like i matter! yes, its shallow and lame and fucking embarrassingly gross to type out but im bored by my own life.
more valium.
anyway, here are some pictures.

the only celebrating we had time for, my birthday brunch. it was fun. it isnt all dull. sometimes there's champagne

more pictures of my damn dog doing what he does best. sleeping. means he likes it here i guess.

some pics of my brothers being adorable, which is what they do best.

theyre fun when theyre happy. but its hard not to want to step in and - i guess im learning a lot about parenting. its a valuable experience.

my birthday brunch cappuccino. look, its all.. cute n shit.

 a picture of me sleeping, between other people, also sleeping. sums it up i guess.

well anyway. im not as unhappy as this post suggest. just bored. and have been wearing god damn sweats for too god damn long. i dont even need to carry a knife any more - i havent been hit on in months. i cant believe i miss that shit, but without it i feel rather like shit.

Review of 'Cruddy' by Lynda Barry

By "bio-mom"
(contact me for more information)

I love this book because it comes from the bottom of her feet. It's pulled up through her whole body; she's saying "this is everything I am from my toes to my kneecaps to my torso to my head this is all of it and I'm screaming it out to tell it to you."
(She said many more paragraphs than that but i couldnt tap the words into my shitty bberry curve qiuckly enough. anyway, if she rec's a book, you read it, because her taste in lit is a thousand time better than yours, you dad's, and your favorite prof's taste will ever be. accept it.)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Song-writing with bio-mom

All we have so far is a pre-chorus, but it may work as a chorus. We're accepting verse suggestions.

"Please don't kill us,
Please don't kill us,
It'd be so much better
If we weren't dead.

Please don't kill us,
Please don't kill us,
And take that gun away
From my head."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

part 5 of the comeback blog

i think ill finally be done catching up after this post.

here're some pics of me and Dog sleeping in the car:

and here's some pics my parents sent from their pacific dream vaca:

they really seem happy, and im so happy bc of that. they deserve some stress-free time to really enjoy each other and relax. look at that view!!

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NEXT
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heres Bmom's final present:

the antique box and spool of string i picked up from her favorite shop in her hometown, the blue bundle on top holds the necklace, and the bundles of sage hide the mug from famous moms' which holds a hand written mythology of sage and a glass bottle of red desert sand. she liked it and im very proud of it.

ok, mostly caught up.
i havent decided yet if i want to talk about the surgery i had yesterday.
so, for now, goodbye dear reader.
xxxo

part 4 of the comeback blog

at the end of our two weeks together we went back to the town where i left my car and got dinner at this place

the food was about what youd expect, but i got a great mug that says "famous mom's" for biomoms birthday on the 16th, so that was cool. then we got ice creams and walked around the little town, but when we were ready to leave and go camp for the night we noticed that my car wasnt where we left it. 

so i freaked out, but my mtn man stayed very calm (and calmed me as well), as we went to the sheriffs office, where we found it had been impounded after two days for 'abandonment.' we stayed the night in a trashy motel (i really do love trashy motels) and rescued it in the morning. he was incredibly patient and sweet about the whole ordeal. then we parted ways. he went on to do more research for his book, and i went back to get nelson and drive west to bio-mom's for our birthdays.

nelson was excited to see me.

it felt good to be back in the car with him. my car bed feels like home to me now. i like having him back.

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NEXT

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that night i ran out of windshield wiper fluid and i figured id have to take my car into a shop or something when i got to biomoms town. then when i stopped to get gas i noticed they sell the stuff on the cheap! so i bought some and taught myself to open the hood and fill up the fluid tank! 1st time!

i woke people up to brag about it because i was very proud of this experience. its like im becoming a grown up. :) 

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the next day was more driving, but i did firm up my idea of biomoms bday present. i collected more than a dozen cuttings of sage along the road, bundled them, and pinned them to roof of my car to dry. here's the view of the desert w some sage in the way, and a pic of the sage-drying op in my car.

i also stopped at a navajo crafts fair that i accidentally found myself driving through and got myself a couple rings and a necklace to add to Bmoms gift.

they were fascinated by nelson. he got LOTS of attn and free snacks.

part 3 of the comeback blog

ugh. while walking Dog last night i got some drunk texts from Mr 09 that just threw me off. just when you think youve finally put someone out of your life, when for the first time you know that your future wont include him and that youll be ok - that youll be better, even, he just appears on your phone with the same jokes and the same awful chemistry lights back up...

ANyway...

there's Mtn Man! he's taking pictures of an old ghost town structure - doin what he does. there were alot of interesting structures and foundations on that mountain face. i left the picture-taking to him bc he's better at it, so you'll have to buy his book to see the real photos of the things we saw. he knows so much about everything we saw and answered all my questions and when he didnt know the answers we looked it up together that night while the tea was heating up over the fire. i cant not smile thinking about it.
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when we left those mountains we moved farther south where the climate didnt allow for the alpines and flat-leaf trees of the previous nights; our new digs were much more desert-y. but up on the plateau, at that elevation, one morning when we unzipped the tent we still found nearly half a foot of snow waiting for us.
we spent a few nights at this site but we couldve spent weeks. the town here was enormous and had a reputation for being the drinking-est, whoring-est town in the west - along with having the richest mines. we found at least a dozen shafts that i very badly wanted to explore but Mtn Man wouldnt let me bc they probably wouldve collapsed on me or something awful.
i learned a lot about not being unnecessarily reckless.
he has guns though, for coyotes and bears and hunting bunnies for stews, and he finally taught me how to shoot 'em. this is me about to shoot a shotgun for the very first time. it kicked back a bit, but i didnt fall down or anything, and my aim was pretty ok.

check out that form! im basically a pro. i could totally be an assassin.
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NEXT
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we had to drive into a city to get his oil changed and re-up on supplies, so obviously we hit a dairy queen.  (my cone is the one on the right)

we share very strong feelings about ice cream; it should be consumed daily. it is the greatest food. usually we hit up gas station ice cream sandwiches or those pre-wrapped cones, so DQ day was a big day for us.
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This is Zion ntl park. we both tend to dislike ntl parks bc of the way they turn nature into a safe, approachable tourist-infested disneyland and take away all of its reality, but neither of us had been to this one and had heard impressive things, so we decided to check it out. i got this pic after we scrambled up a steep hill / cliff. we also share a love of scramble-climbing.

this is what we climbed. i took this pic after we climbed down. see the yellowish crevasse just to the left of center? thats where we climbed.

thats me posing on top of the cliff. it was a really fun climb.

and here's the bridge out of the park to the next ghost town. the next morning we took baths in the river under this bridge, event though it was super icy cold.

part 2 of the comeback blog

the last post i put up was a summary of my last three weeks and some preemptive tying-up of loose ends.
this one will tell as much of the important parts as it can - what shows up here is whatever pops up in my head as i write and look at photos and go through my phone and read my texts and go through the things in my pockets.
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NEXT
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so i just confirmed my dinner on saturday night in LA. my parents have an extra long delay there on their way back from their incredible pacific island vacation back home. they've been married 35 YEARS so i completely LOVE that they recognize how badly they owe themselves a vacation, and that the size of that debt warrants a fantastic, dream-island so far from everything that causes them stress. it's been great for us therapeutically as well, because my dad has this thing that compels him to have morning and evening contact with me daily, he makes my mom call in before and after she drives anywhere.... there's an anxiety level that i think their absence from cell range will help.
lets get into my updates.

. 

this is the picture i took while staying w a (temporarily homeless) jocelyn after i freaked out after a standard new york experience that i couldnt handle (bc i'd been away for too long and lost my thick skin) so i shoved joce in my car and drove us to a state park in NJ (because my car-bed is my comfort zone / home and i prefer it to any home available to me) where we slept for the day. 

that experience not only gave us a peaceful, lakeside morning, but this photo of the citizens of new jersey driving into the city for their morning commute. 

Were i an artist, i would blow up and publish this photo without commentary beyond its title (NJ Morning Commute) because i think this photo says a lot all by itself. 

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while driving to meet my mountain man for the most transformative, beautiful two weeks (if not) of my life (than that i can remember) i rounded a turn heading up into the mountains, found this cow across my lane(!), and had to stop abruptly (my right hand shot into the backseat to hold nelson back. im turning into a parent) because i wanted, obviously, to pet it. so after we passed this cow i pulled over, left nelson in the car, and got out and approached the cow with my palms toward her. when i got within three feet of her and was about to reach out to stroke the brow over the big liquid chocolate eye facing me, she backed away! and it made me so sad, bc i know she wasnt afraid of me. she's afraid of people. whatever had been to her to provoke  that reaction just broke my heart. so i left her alone and got back in my car, and gave nelson many dog treats. 

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NEXT

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this pic is of an introductory page of a book i found after a lot of things had happened. it was taken the night Mountain Man and I returned to the south-eastern utah town in which we met in order to board my superdog in an incredible doggie summer-camp (which i will recommend to you if you contact me), went to an incredible bookstore, and went out to dinner at an italian place.

we were seated/hidden on the second floor and celebrated our bookstore finds. his was excited about, among other treasures, an atlas that not only showed blm (bureau of land management) land but the deterioration of the roads. it shows roads as they decline from gravel to dirt to rock to grass to 3ft wide grades on the edge of a mtn - it will be incredibly useful for his research and daily life. 

my big find was a $40 first edition of Tristram Shandy; the Life and Opinions of a Gentleman - and i know it was an original printing because of this picture!!!

LOOK AT THAT!!!! I own the 894th copy of the first thousand copies of this extraordinary text to reach the US and i only paid 40 bucks for it!!! so at, what he pointed out, was our first real dinner-date, we mostly discussed bookstore finds (which is my favorite topic. <3)  

the next afternoon i booked nelson into the dream-doggie-digs and went to the pharmacy to pick up my subox. they didnt have it til 48 hrs later, so i met Mtn Man in a small town, parked my car in an area free of no-parking signs, got in his pick-up, and we set off off on our journey!!!

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i took this pic of a beautiful navajo sandstone extrusion on oct 4th as we drove to our first ghost town. it took about three, probably four or five days for Mtn Man and i to adapt to each other's systems and habits enough to get beyond that introductory strangeness and get used to each other enough to be able to be together every day. the beginning of our adventure presented a few obstacles - we were both used to our own systems of eating and setting up camp our own way, but i think i adapted to his routines as quickly as i could, and he accepted my presence more easily than he might have - he has been doing this all alone for over a year. i learned as quickly as i could the way he liked his bed set up, his kitchen arranged, his tent pitched - so we got along. i like to think he appreciated my efforts and i certainly appreciated his cooking - my Mtn Man is a GENIUS chef. every morning and night he created a meal even greater than the one before it - i cant tell you how delicious his food is. his goal was to fatten me up, and, my dear reader, im sorry to admit that he may have succeeded! his cooking is incredible. i wish i'd've photo'ed some of his stews... My God! I cant even think about them without my mouth watering!! 

I need to walk the dog, turn off all the lights at BM's house, and switch to bed-blogging now. I'll be back soon for further, juicer updates.....

(ps: including pictures of my Mtn Man himself!! :) .....) 

the start of my return to the blog

When i dont update for a long time i feel so overwhelmed by the amount of tales to tell and accompanying photos to post that i put off updating, and then, because i cant put off living, i end up with even more stories to post, and it gets increasingly difficult to know how to start.
the blog would be most readable if i started from where i left off, and told all the tales chronologically up to today, logical but slightly less easy to read if i told today's stories and went backward until i caught up with where i left off, but writing it would be easiest if i just start with what im thinking about right now and write todays stories, then tell tales from the past three weeks as i think of them.
obviously, because i doubt the existence of my "reader," i'm going to choose the last of those three options - why make life easier for someone who i doubt exists when i could do i what i want?

i just organized all the photos that went from my phone to my desktop, and there are four that dont really fit in with any of my other stories so this post will be about them.

this is the halloween costume bio-mom has selected for me. she's a character from yo gabba gabba, which is now on netflix (watch it ALL) and is my baby brother's (2.5 y/o) favorite show and the costume is NOT the sexy version of anything; its a big bag of stuffing that will make me look twice as heavy as nelson. my mom's going as dj lance and the baby is going to be brobee (who's green and has extra long arms and will be portrayed ADORABLY).
halloween has always been a big deal for me and my parents because it was the day my parents got me from the lawyer that negotiated my adoption, so they dubbed it my 'homecoming' and made it almost a secondary birthday for me. for bio-mom, however, its been a miserable day for the last 23 yrs bc its the anniversary of the day a lawyer took her baby away. so halloween '11 will be a big day because it will be the first halloween that biomom and i have ever spent together - we'll play it like its all about my little brothers, but it's going to be a big day for both of us and im very much looking forward to it. the last time i saw her on a halloween was early in the morning, yr 1988, when she handed me to a nurse who handed me to the lawyer who handed me to my parents. on halloween, yr 2011, no one will take me anywhere. i think it'll sink in for us and have a gradual emotional impact for us on that day. it really is a big deal if you think about it.
in rehab, my roommate was a girl about 2 yrs older than i am who'd become an addict to deal with giving away her baby - she'd fallen into the open arms of oxycotten after surrendering the product of an accidental pregnancy to the arms of a couple much like my parents 20 yrs ago. she and i obviously got close - which i think was the all-along plan of the rehab - so i learned alot about what my mom went through post-adoption.
all of this is by way of saying that this halloween will be the continuation of a cycle that started going 'round a long time ago, and im looking forward to halloween even more than i usually do this year.

this next one is my brothers in the waiting room at the pediatrician's office.

(L-R) T - 8 y/o, D - 2.5 y/o, L - 10 y/o, F - 5 y/o
L just sold a song he wrote to Cake, and signed on to star in the first single of their next record. He is unbelievably cool and takes it for granted, and thinks  everyone in the US has te opportunities he's had. orange county is a fucking crazy crazyass INSANE place. i cant get into it.

next

this is my new signature look. my former look, as you may be or probably are not familiar with, was either a large T, with the sleeves torn out, no pants, and big pumps, a gogo look, or mens M tee with tights. the new look is the pillowcase dress. i like it paired with thigh highs and pumps or with bare legs and flat knee high boots.
this picture was taken my first night in NY for nyfw ss12, at a part djed/thrown by my very dear, very close friend mister brendan sullivan, my incredibly loyal and faithful and loving friend and the voice of my generation. a mentor in many ways.

this last pic is one joce sent me sometime in early september that i have yet to decipher. that girl. id giv e anything to be able to live the way she does, to keep up with her life. she's a miracle in boots on wheels.

a take on my recent adventures in the west

http://laughingfish.blogspot.com/2011/10/fall-in-sevier-county.html

with some truly beautiful pictures accompanying it

the Grievances of the Wall Street Occupiers

Declaration of the Occupation of New York City

This document was accepted by the NYC General Assembly on september 29, 2011


As we gather together in solidarity to express a feeling of mass injustice, we must not lose sight of what brought us together. We write so that all people who feel wronged by the corporate forces of the world can know that we are your allies.

As one people, united, we acknowledge the reality: that the future of the human race requires the cooperation of its members; that our system must protect our rights, and upon corruption of that system, it is up to the individuals to protect their own rights, and those of their neighbors; that a democratic government derives its just power from the people, but corporations do not seek consent to extract wealth from the people and the Earth; and that no true democracy is attainable when the process is determined by economic power. We come to you at a time when corporations, which place profit over people, self-interest over justice, and oppression over equality, run our governments. We have peaceably assembled here, as is our right, to let these facts be known.

They have taken our houses through an illegal foreclosure process, despite not having the original mortgage.
They have taken bailouts from taxpayers with impunity, and continue to give Executives exorbitant bonuses.
They have perpetuated inequality and discrimination in the workplace based on age, the color of one’s skin, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation.
They have poisoned the food supply through negligence, and undermined the farming system through monopolization.
They have profited off of the torture, confinement, and cruel treatment of countless animals, and actively hide these practices.
They have continuously sought to strip employees of the right to negotiate for better pay and safer working conditions.
They have held students hostage with tens of thousands of dollars of debt on education, which is itself a human right.
They have consistently outsourced labor and used that outsourcing as leverage to cut workers’ healthcare and pay.
They have influenced the courts to achieve the same rights as people, with none of the culpability or responsibility.
They have spent millions of dollars on legal teams that look for ways to get them out of contracts in regards to health insurance.
They have sold our privacy as a commodity.
They have used the military and police force to prevent freedom of the press. They have deliberately declined to recall faulty products endangering lives in pursuit of profit.
They determine economic policy, despite the catastrophic failures their policies have produced and continue to produce.
They have donated large sums of money to politicians, who are responsible for regulating them.
They continue to block alternate forms of energy to keep us dependent on oil.
They continue to block generic forms of medicine that could save people’s lives or provide relief in order to protect investments that have already turned a substantial profit.
They have purposely covered up oil spills, accidents, faulty bookkeeping, and inactive ingredients in pursuit of profit.
They purposefully keep people misinformed and fearful through their control of the media.
They have accepted private contracts to murder prisoners even when presented with serious doubts about their guilt.
They have perpetuated colonialism at home and abroad. They have participated in the torture and murder of innocent civilians overseas.
They continue to create weapons of mass destruction in order to receive government contracts. *

To the people of the world,

We, the New York City General Assembly occupying Wall Street in Liberty Square, urge you to assert your power.

Exercise your right to peaceably assemble; occupy public space; create a process to address the problems we face, and generate solutions accessible to everyone.

To all communities that take action and form groups in the spirit of direct democracy, we offer support, documentation, and all of the resources at our disposal.

Join us and make your voices heard!

*These grievances are not all-inclusive.


-------------------------------

Guest Post 15: Ali

"A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young [Wo]Man."

    On my way to this park I passed three bleeding heart bushes. Does someone have a fucking sense of humor or what? You know those were always my mother's favorite. What does that mean, I wonder. "When your heart breaks, you should die." Why is that? Why Can't I feel anything? I used to have something that is gone now.
    I hate things I used to love. When I was a kid, I loved the berries that grew on the bushes, you know, the red ones, that when you squeeze them, this weird substance oozes out of them. I used to "paint" with them. I used to paint with asparagus and butter on my dinner plate too. Now, well now, I just paint with paintbrushes. How inspiring. Anyway, I hate those stupid berries now, I hate syrup and honey too. I can't stand the way it makes my hands feel. That's the thing, though, my hands should feel: Sticky, Messy…guilty. My hands should feel. What is an artist without feeling in their hands? In their being? Oh, and whenever I eat asparagus now I eat it paint-brush-end first. I don't know why. Maybe because that way I won't remember for too long how wonderful of a passionate artist I used to be compared to what I've become.
    I walked to my car this morning thinking that maybe you put a note there like you used to. Instead, I found a parking ticket. Thanks for the salt in my wounds, CPD. Again, Someone's sense of humor is intriguing.
    I can't really explain what it feels like to have your life shatter. On top of that, I certainly can't explain what it feels like to solely blame yourself. I can't explain much, apparently. But you don't care about that. You shouldn't, really. No one is out there looking for answers; They're out there trying to make their own.
    I keep thinking that I see you, or that I hear the way that you walk. You have a way to your walk, you know. This arrogant step that used to drive me crazy. It still does, just in a different way. I think that I see you, hear you, walking towards me, but I'm blind. You can take that metaphorically, if you'd like, but I wouldn't give me that much credit, you see- It's almost dark in this park (I've been here for hours,) and I've forgotten my glasses on my drawing table.
    The only two men I've ever loved: one of you is dead, from an addiction I couldn't help you with, and the other has created a monster of mistrust and confusion. "Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy." Now this is where I am. At the bottom of something. Desperately clawing to each letter I write, but don't send. Clinging to each painting I don't make. Starring at each shadow that isn't you. I don't know what else there is to take, whoever you are, but you have my depression, my sanity, and now you have my Muse.
    I am an Artist. And I am Empty.

Bio: Ali is a mess 90 percent of the time. She puts her shoes on the table, her keys in the bathroom , and one time accidentally put her kitten in the refrigerator. She probably won't respond to you, because she most likely lost her phone.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Morning lessons.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry