please do not read this

this is not an open letter. this is not a direct letter.
this is not for anyone but me.
please do not read it.
maybe i will type the whole thing out and google translate it to wingdings so you know this isnt about you.
maybe i will just copy and paste the lyrics of you're so vain so you know this is not about you.

for readers of my blog who were in no way brought here by the blog of mr johnny azari: i am going through a break up.
i am hurting. i am in a love with a man who cannot possibly love me in way that is healthy for both/either of our lives.
i want to not be angry with him, i just am hurting. i have a big open gushing wound in my soul that has obviously nicked open a very important artery bc it just keeps gushing blood and it will not heal and it will not even scab over. it just keeps pulsing out pain and it hurts. it hurts to not turn to him and say "reservoir." it hurts to not build a fire together. it hurts to not hold his scraggly face in my hands. it hurts to sleep alone. it hurts to not have his arms wrapped around me. it hurts to not watch him talk to people and see his face when he's wondering if the joke he just made is funny. it hurts to not count on him. being alone hurts.
but being a burden and a disappointment hurt too.
it hurt to feel lonely when the man i love was standing right next to me. it hurt to know that i could not be helpful in the way i told him that i could be helpful. it hurt to know that i could not be what he needed me to be. it hurt to love him and love him and love him, and pour so much of myself into loving him, and feel that i was pouring my love into a vacuum that could not contain it or notice it. it hurt to know that he wanted me to be someone else, that he wanted to love a different person, but loved me in the hope that i could become that person. it hurt to always want to be better.
it hurts to be without him. it hurt that to believe i would be with him for ever and ever and to now know that i will not. it hurts to hope and believe that there is a woman who can do the things he needs and will do them for him and make him happy. it hurts that i couldn't do those things, that i couldn't make him happy.

i miss him. i love him. i want him to not hurt.

i know that this will become easier and will hurt less. i know that he will be a better man without dragging my Crazy along behind him, and i know that my Crazy will not be an impediment to me if i allow myself to grow with it and become a woman who can stand on her own.
i know that, alone, i can be better. i know that this hurting will make me better.

or maybe i will just always hurt, because i will always love him, but i believe that he and i will both be happier alone. we will both grow through the hurting and be happier. maybe we will even both grow into happy people independently, and then when we are happy alone we will be able to make each other happy together. maybe.