today

a bunch of people from the dojo i joined this week went to a bar tonight to watch the fight and hang out, and i was supposed to go. i really thought i was going to go. socialize. i got all dressed and actually got in the car, i drove almost half way there before the panic attack hit and i had to turn around and drive home. i just started thinking to myself "if i try to make friends with these people, they're going to ask me what i do, or what my story is, and i don't have an answer to that question."

so i came home and watched orange is the new black with my parents and cried and now im listening to leonard cohen and staring out the window because i can't even read. i haven't been able to read anything other than franny and zooey since i got back here. i can't even read any more.

so there's your update. this blog is my only contact with the world, because i can't face interaction. i can't imagine answering questions without hyperventilating. im just so tired.

im so tired, and i cant sleep. 

i just moved into my room at my parents' house in the last two days because i couldn't bear to be in the bed we slept in together. i made myself a blanket nest in the corner of the spare bedroom that ive turned into my studio. i didnt sleep there either, but there were fewer ghosts. everywhere i go the ghosts are there first. 

i dont even want to make friends. the walls are up. i dont want to let anyone else into my life again, ever. i just dont have the energy to trust anybody, care for anybody.

im so tired.