Mourning You

Right now, I'd send you this picture, bc I know how your blood would respond, and I know the sexting that would ensue - you'd Make me get off.
But you aren't you aymore, and the first phase of grief is denial, andd that's all that pic is.....
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tattoos, burgers, metal

i was in chicago visiting my best friend from kindergarten all the way up through high school, and she and her boyfriend took me to a magical place called Kuma's.
They explained that the owner's philosophy is based around a love of tattoos, burgers, and metal. each of their burgers is fuckin enormous and named after a metal band. the slayer, for example, is covered in french fries, extra spicy chili, an enormous slab of cheddar cheese, and anger. it says anger right on the menu. i saw a guy order it, and everyone at the surrounding tables said 'wowww.....' at the same time. i got the mastadon (i think) and i ate half of it and needed a nap pretty much immediately.
so if youre ever in chicago, go to kuma's. just go. it will rock your insides harder than standing directly next  to the speaker at an iron maiden show.
also - get a bloody mary w your burger. they hand-grate the horseradish. its - its unspeakably good.

this is real.

sometimes, you think you know somebody through and through, and you love every thing you know about him, and you know that that's the man of your dreams, and you decide you will just love him and wait for him for as long as it takes.
then, you find out he died in surgery.
it was a classic case.
it hurts, and your heart bleeds, but you gotta bleed to heal.
and after you stop being sad, and you finish mourning that man, you realize that for the first time in years you are no longer in love.
and that freedom is an incredible feeling, like an urge to get on top.
my heart is available for the first time since i left high school. when i go out tonight, i will not smile and shake my head at the advances of new men, sorry for them that no matter how hard they try, i'm taken.
tonight i want a taste.
tonight i will put on my highest heels, my blackest mascara, and my reddest lipstick.
you won't be laying any more lies on me.
i wonder how much trouble this new designer heart of mine can start...

a genius i used to know once said "i dont wanna work. i only want to play. all day."
and its about time i took that advice.

Just to say, right now

I'm on a layer of blankets that stink of dog and don't make the floor of this trunk any softer, I haven't sat down to a real meal since july, and there's dirt under my nails I don't think I'll ever get out. I've got an enormous beast radiating heat and pressing up against me, snoring, the wind exploding through my windows every few minutes, and an increasingly weak flashlight to read by, but I've got to say, tonight, right now, I'm pretty Happy.

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Opposite of hindu

I am a merciless slayer of mosquitoes. Whoever borrows this book from me will see the vivid red of my victims' literary death.
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Guest Post 12 : Leslie

4 U From Mama

This is not the type of thing I do. In fact, I have never placed any thoughts in written word for public consumption. But, here I am, doing it. My beautiful daughter tells me it is "my generation….we all have a pre-occupation with keeping private things private." Imagine that.
When Alex left home for college, I decided to numb the "empty nest feelings" with graduate school. Can you see a pattern of defective decision making here? On a more serious note, it was a good opportunity to really think about what I valued in life. Of course, it was obvious that I cherish being a wife, mother, nurse, friend, daughter. But, what words truly represent me and not just the roles I chose to fill?
After years of reading and writing (2 ½ to be exact) I realized that many of my perspectives about life can be seen on the front of our refrigerator. They are tattered and old, but held secure with a handmade magnet created by my now, young adult daughter. Some of my favorites include:
 When you engage in fulfilling the needs of others, your own needs are fulfilled as a by-product.
 Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to what happens.
 Much of what we think matters, doesn't matter as much as we think it does.
 Practice moderation in all things.
 The best things in life are free.
 Make sure you are spending time with the people who matter most to you.
 Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
 Each individual has an opportunity to make a difference.
 Count your blessings before falling asleep every night.
 Live your truth.

All of these words guide me, in one way or another, on a daily basis. They provide perspective in all situations. It represents the core of who I am. My wish for you, dear daughter, is to value yourself to the extent that you discover what your truth is.
I love you to the moon…
Mama

Submitted by Leslie, proud mama of Alexandra - a beautiful, talented and brave young woman.
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My home.

Here's a pic of my car-bed, and a pic of nelson sleeping in some really tall grass. I bet that grass is super comfy, but I've gotten really attached to my car-bed. I make it the same way every night now - sleeping bag and two blankets on the bottom, one blanket on top, and two pillows folded around the baskets piled on the floor of the backseat containing my entire wardrobe. Usually nelson ends up stealing a pillow and at least one blanket.
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Guest Post 11: Asleep

Confessions of a sampler.

I walk up to the pizza counter, proofing a blog on my cellphone, or txting with somebody, i need to look distracted. Like this is an accident, I have stumbled upon you by pure chance. There I see it, covered in cauliflower, olives, large pools of flavored olive oil, fennel, broccoli, a train-wreck of a pizza. Arugula? I may be allergic to it, still it is my best bet.. Ill pray that I don't break out in debilitating hives while my throat closes... than I wonder if the food in the hospital is free.. fuck it, we all know that I don't have health insurance.

"Oh my," I say "This one looks pretty interesting, is it good?" 

Than I deliver the blow, they can not refuse me, their "open sampling policy" sign hangs clearly over the cookies which I once ate so many of that I nearly collapsed from a stomach cramp.

 "....May I try the mastodon?"
I am basically starving but spent all of my money on things like rent, bills, whatnot, alcohol, the new needles that I need to DJ with, a $300 pair of headphones. Food, um no, sorry, no room in the budget, .. i need to sample this pizza if I am to have any at all.

I cannot sample a normal pizza, everybody has eaten normal pizza, I need to try to stomach this strange non-pizza so as not to arouse suspician that I am trying for a freebee, that I have no money, that I spent it all on useless crap, that I am an ARTIST and feel that I should be eating for free.... All the same, I should have shaven and wore a shirt that didn't have a conspicuous bloodstain on it and a few less holes.

"S'cuse me" she says, visor and dead eyes flicking up, She surmises that I am doing some weekend home improvements, perhaps? I am at whole foods picking up some caviar for brunch tomorrow afternoon, I have plenty of money, curiosity has lured me to the pizza counter. Curiosity and chance, not starvation. Or so I pray to myself.

She cuts off the smallest imaginable piece, it fits in a mini cardboard post-consumer cup, I take it away, thankful for this humiliating transaction to be through..

"Ill certainly give it a whirl" I say all chipper, once again back to my phone, texting somebody, promoting a club night...

She doesn't answer, only watches with vague interest as I wander to the cheese cubes and pretend that I happened upon them by chance, so obvious.

-Asleep at the Glue Factory
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Look up yukio mishima

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Guest Post 10: NASA

DNA in Space?

NASA researchers <http://www.nasa.gov/topics/solarsystem/features/dna-meteorites.html>  have found the building blocks of DNA, the genetic molecule that is essential to all life forms, in meteorites, pieces of space rock that have fallen to Earth. The discovery suggests that similar meteorites and comets may have impacted Earth and assisted in life formation here.

With minimal chance for contamination of the meteorite samples, scientists are confident that these meteorite specimens were formed in space. "People have been discovering components of DNA in meteorites since the 1960's, but researchers were unsure whether they were really created in space or if instead they came from contamination by terrestrial life," Michael Callahan, lead author of the study on the discovery, said in a statement.
The research team analyzed twelve carbon rich meteorites, nine of which were from Antarctica, to positively identify the basic elements of the chemical compounds they extracted from the samples. Testing revealed adenine and guanine, two fundamental components of DNA called nucleobases.

DNA is shaped like a double helix, or twisted ladder, and the rungs of that ladder are each comprised of two nucleobases, either a pairing of adenine and thymine or of guanine and cytosine. The ladder is essentially a long string of genetic code that tells cells in an organism which proteins to make. Those proteins then play critical roles in organism growth and function, making everything from hair to enzymes.

Scientists also found hypoxanthine and xanthine, two other chemicals used in biological processes and found in muscle tissue.

The meteorites also contained trace amounts of three molecules associated with nucleobases, called nucleobase analogs, but two of those are almost never seen in biology, providing the necessary proof that these DNA components were actually created in outer space.

In fact the only record of any of these nucleobases in biologic processes is within a virus.  Callahan said in the NASA press release that "if asteroids are behaving like chemical 'factories' cranking out prebiotic material, you would expect them to produce many variants of nucleobases, not just the biological ones, due to the wide variety of ingredients and conditions in each asteroid," and that is exactly what these researchers found. He says the nucleobases found, biological or not, can also be created in a lab setting, using the basic compounds hydrogen cyanide, ammonia, and water.

This finding contributes further to the growing collection of evidence that asteroids and comets are comprised of the proper chemicals to generate the building blocks of life. Some seem to have the ideal internal chemistry for the job.

"In fact, there seems to be a 'goldilocks' class of meteorites," Callahan said in a statement, "the so called CM2 meteorites, where conditions are just right to make more of these molecules."

NASA
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The 'Moon-roof'

You know how some cars have a 'sun-roof'? Its usually wider than it is long, and kind of lateral over the driver and front-seat passenger of the car.
The subaru forester (what I drive) has what's basically an extra-large sunroof. Its not only just as wide as the roof of the car will allow, its actually a few inches (I'm estimating by looking at it) longer than it is wide, so it extends to the back seat as well. Its usually the first thing people comment on when they sit in my backseat (that's a lie. Its what they comment on after noting the amount of shit in my car). Anyway, its one of my favorite features of this little car (I drove an older, silver one in high school, btw, so I feel a bit of a bond to the thing).

So I'm out on the road, parked illegally in an "historical viewing area" off the local access road to the highway bc its incredibly beautiful and I like listening to the crickets in the tall grass all around, and the cars fwooshing by on the highway about 20 miles away, and the occasional train puttering through the valley right below.
I'm not gonna take my sleeping pill bc I'm afraid some state trooper will see me here and say "no camping" and kick me out and I don't want to be chemically groggy and driving if that happens.

(I wouldn't care if it was just me, but I live slightly less recklessly now that I'm responsible for Nelson)

So I'm laying in the back of this car, my dog pressing his body against the length of mine, and there isn't a cloud in the entire sky. The elevation here is a couple thousand feet higher than I'm used to, so all day the sky has felt bigger than usual and the clouds closer - I guess bc they are, but its really amazing to sense that you're closer to the clouds. You feel it all the time.

All around me, on all sides, is thigh-high grass (that nelson ran around in for a while) and I can feel the Space on every side of me, just as physically as I can feel this giant Dog pressing against me. I feel all the space in every direction, even up. There isn't a cloud to be seen for what seems like a thousand mile radius around me. Its just empty. Even the cars - going more than 80 mph, really flying - add to the sense of emptiness. They make it more palpable, because those are people trying not to feel it by moving so fast.

But I'm in the middle of it, perfectly still, and it feels like its pulling me into it, like my particles are spreading into the infinite directions of emptiness around me. I'm blending into the Space.

I've never thought enough about them to Feel the land around me, or the sky above and surrounding me.

But now I Feel them, and through the moon-roof of this car that's become a home for this girl and her giant dog, I can see the only spectacle in these thousands of miles of emptiness.
I can see the full moon.

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Guest Post 9: Miss A

This year I revoked my death wish.

A few of you may remember that I was at death's door last year. Not exaggerating – I weighed 85 lbs at my low point. And I'm 5'6.
I've battled eating disorders my whole life...it was nothing new. I had my mind made up that I would rather die looking and feeling great than live feeling sluggish and soft. So I slowly wasted away...ate nothing but a candy bar here and there, an apple here and there, plenty of coffee and vodka gimlets...
Ultimately, it destroyed my so-called career, public image, several potential romantic relationships. It made my life completely pathetic, so I checked myself into rehab.
Rehab was rehab...I'll publish a memoir on that another time.
I've been a steady 107-112 since I checked myself out. Many of the girls I was in treatment with have been re-committed.
When I left the hospital, I found I just. Didn't. Feel. Anything.....anymore. My moods were a joyless expanse of indifference and boredom. Human company was a chore. My drive to draw, paint, and create came to a standstill. I didn't want to see anyone, fuck anyone, do anything.
Existence was painfully bland – things that might have previously brought me pleasure didn't. Human company, drawing, reading...I suffered through every moment just to get to the next, hoping I would feel something.

I think what saved me was an expedition to San Francisco. I left NYC in the dead of winter, and went to a new place and saw that it was beautiful, sunny, warm, friendly. I did a scene for Kink.com in which I was bound, spanked, pleasured....I screamed, I cried, came super hard. It was so fucking thrilling. Went to LA and did pretty much the same thing.
Recently, I've begun to feel things again. (Things besides drugs.) On a daily basis.
Although I still struggle with mood-regulation disorders, I've begun to feel joy in life again. There is some reward in my day-to-day existence.
I've started loving other human beings again.
So, I'm pleased. It was a big sacrifice for me to ditch my foremost emotional crutch....and it really fucked me up. But it seems my soul has returned

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Oh I forgot to add;

this is one of the most important things to have on a roadtrip:
-the ability to squish any bug w your thumb (soon enough the color of the blood they've ingested will provide enough morbid curiosity to motivate you).
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Things I've learned while road-tripping

(In the order I think of them, not in order of importance)
-put your ice in a waterproof bag before you put it in your cooler
-use the water that collects at the bottom of the color to water your dog or wash your hands in
-have a reliable flashlight
-never waste water
-always have two full gallons of water with you
-carry at least three knives of varying lengths and sharpness (one for prepping food, one for intimidation / protection, one w lots of other tools attached)
-if you suspect one of your water containers may be leaking, but can find no water on the bottom of the car, get rid of it anyway. (My thermals and sweatshirts were soaking up all that leaked water very neatly, I discovered this evening)
-if your knife doesn't have a corkscrew, the wine tastes just as good with the cork in the bottle as it does with the cork removed
-be nice to your fellow campers, bc they are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Don't be shy about sharing, or asking for stuff you need.
-anywhere you stop, is your campground. In mountain-y areas, roadside 'viewing areas' are beautiful places to spend the night.
-carry about 40 bucks in cash. One 20, and the rest small bills
-sleep in long sleeves and long pants and socks (lightweight in summer) to protect from the bugs. The number of sprays and citronella candles and repellent wipes you use does not matter. They will bite you.
-bring a really long book, and about 200 pencils (or pens, whatever you're into)
-pack lightly in every respect except blankets and pillows.
-bungee cords, boat straps, rope, duct tape
-bag for dirty clothes. Don't put them back in w your clean clothes.
-have an overnight bag packed in case you end up at a friend's place
-car chargers for your phone, ipod, laptop, mobile wireless, anything you need. Charge it while you drive
-change your oil every 5000 miles
-keep your toothpaste in its own ziplock
-pack so your passenger front seat is open. Friends don't like sitting in your trunk
-mouthwash (very important)
-bring an atlas, a real-life one, even if your car has a nav system
-have a trash bag in your car. Empty it whenever you get gas.
-refill your water bottles at every free opportunity
-get a real camera, the one on your phone sucks
-texting makes you a SHITTY driver. Don't.
-pull over to take pictures. don't drive and try to be a photographer
-if you take meds, make sure you either bring enough or have worked something out w your doc
-cook over fire. Do not east fast food. Ever. If you make one exception you'll keep on making them.
-know how to build a slow-burning fire
-have enough water (see how important that one is?)
-dont lose shit. Use all the little pockets in your car doors for different categories of stuff
-pack enough batteries for all your shit
-'psssst!' dry spray-on shampoo
-water-free face wipes (I like noxcema, but I know clearasil does one... Get hooked on shit you can go to any drugstore to re-up on)
-tampons. Do not run out.
-two forks, two knives, two spoons, two plates, two cup (if you're going solo. One extra for every person in the car.)
-hiking shoes should have ankle support, water shoes (rafting, canoeing, etc) should have closed toes
-be open to people. You never know where you'll find the best sex of your life.

That's what I've learned so far, and I've only been at this a month!

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Why I like the road

I've got a great big dog,
And a great big knife,
And I get to pick the view
Out my window, every night.
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Excuses, excuses

The problem with doing so much capital-l Living is that it leaves me too tired at the end of the day to tell the stories of what I've just Lived.
Not tired. Tired isn't the right word.
Mentally overwhelmed and emotionally drained is more accurate.
My mind's not tired at all. There're just too many thoughts, too many moments being run through - like my mind is a laundry machine, and each instance of my Living has to be washed separately, has to be spun around over and over and over until I've removed every grain of meaning from it. All the meaning, the dirt, stays in me, and the experiences are constantly replaced by new instances of Life to be churned through and analyzed.
But my mind doesn't wash one load at a time. It's more like an entire laundromat, analyzing the hundreds of moments that comprise my day, washing them thoroughly to lift every minute stain of meaning from each so I can absorb it.
This is why I'm also too emotionally drained to write the day's stories. My emotions are what run the analysis (the washing of experience in this analogy) but are also deeply impacted by what I find. More meaning I extract from a moment means more emotional investment. This is why I feel drained.
Anyway, I hope my laundromat analogy kept you distracted from the lack of actual content on my blog lately, and I beg your understanding, my darling reader.
I'm sure I'll have broken down my experiences enough to write about them for you very soon.
I just need to rest.


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He treats me well.

I left the boy. Here's a pic of directions he sketched for me and the lines I wrote for him while driving today. He drew me directions to ghost towns in landscapes that absolutely knocked me out. Idk if its bc ohio is so flat, and I went from there to gotham city, but the geology I'm learning out here is constantly knocking me on my ass.
Anyway, after we rafted all day - me and my man and kelsey and hers - on a green river trip that included swimming in a super-fine silty MUD, he spent the night w me at the ace kelseys staying, then last night he took nelson and I hiking up the Book Cliffs (I think? I suck w names) w a bottle of merlot to watch the sunset and just look. I could see so far, so many miles in ever direction, and so much history of the land with my river man narrating the view. So we climbed down and he cooked a meal I wish I was eating right now, and then we had sex exactly the way I like it.
That's a big deal, bc so far in my life only one man has achieved fucking me correctly, but that number has now grown to 2. Which does not suck, dear reader.
Now I'm camping by myself on my way into a major city that I'd rather skip but my car needs some repairs.

Ill try to read what I wrote here as I was driving. I doubt its good, but lyricism seems to fit him.

Last night we climbed to and sat on the ridge,
High above all the lives I've lived,
With a bottle of merlot.
From a hundred miles away,
We saw the cars on the highway.
You said "Look at them Go."
You teased that I was helples; we saw land for miles but no town.
We watched the sun slide behind the mesa, and we climbed down.
Without you, I'd've been on that road.

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sexxxxy talk with UT girls

we're getting very in depth thanks to some great ut grown wine about how we make our men cum and what makes us cum.
i just brought out my bag of 'work clothes' and the girls are intimidated. i packed, for this road trip - all my stripper clothes, just in case - everything i may need to work.
dont try on your corset/panty/stocking look in front of your gfs.
anyway, the stars out here are fucking insane.
we're drinking the wine from the tasting we went to.
im about to walk the dog and go to bed.
sexting? we'll see who answers and matters enough to me.
until later....
xoxox