A few of you may remember that I was at death's door last year. Not exaggerating – I weighed 85 lbs at my low point. And I'm 5'6.
I've battled eating disorders my whole life...it was nothing new. I had my mind made up that I would rather die looking and feeling great than live feeling sluggish and soft. So I slowly wasted away...ate nothing but a candy bar here and there, an apple here and there, plenty of coffee and vodka gimlets...
Ultimately, it destroyed my so-called career, public image, several potential romantic relationships. It made my life completely pathetic, so I checked myself into rehab.
Rehab was rehab...I'll publish a memoir on that another time.
I've been a steady 107-112 since I checked myself out. Many of the girls I was in treatment with have been re-committed.
When I left the hospital, I found I just. Didn't. Feel. Anything.....anymore. My moods were a joyless expanse of indifference and boredom. Human company was a chore. My drive to draw, paint, and create came to a standstill. I didn't want to see anyone, fuck anyone, do anything.
Existence was painfully bland – things that might have previously brought me pleasure didn't. Human company, drawing, reading...I suffered through every moment just to get to the next, hoping I would feel something.
I think what saved me was an expedition to San Francisco. I left NYC in the dead of winter, and went to a new place and saw that it was beautiful, sunny, warm, friendly. I did a scene for Kink.com in which I was bound, spanked, pleasured....I screamed, I cried, came super hard. It was so fucking thrilling. Went to LA and did pretty much the same thing.
Recently, I've begun to feel things again. (Things besides drugs.) On a daily basis.
Although I still struggle with mood-regulation disorders, I've begun to feel joy in life again. There is some reward in my day-to-day existence.
I've started loving other human beings again.
So, I'm pleased. It was a big sacrifice for me to ditch my foremost emotional crutch....and it really fucked me up. But it seems my soul has returned
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
No comments:
Post a Comment