wtfuck is going on

i just watched the daily show on hulu, it and the colbert report are the only tv i watch, i hate television, so i watch it on hulu. (note to my parents, who im sure are reading this by now, hulu is a website on the internets.) during the last ad break - hulu has adbreaks and theyre getting longer and longer, idk if you guys are huge fucking nerds like i am and notice this shit but there are now four or even five ads crammed in these ad breaks and its like "this is the reason i dont fucking watch television," the internet is supposed to be a safe place (yes, i know im writing this on a blog completely owned by google. fuck you) where im not being brainwashed into buying and buying and buying til my eyes roll out my head and my ears start bleeding - when the fuck did they start jamming these blatant fucking 30 second spots of aneurysm-inducing - ok. anyway, so im watching the daily show, and during the third adbreak this mcdonalds ad came on that yelled at me for watching it. im not fucking kidding. this is real and i hope you have a nice bunker lined up. i know i make a little note every time i walk by one of those fallout shelter signs in manhattan - its coming sooner than you think and you better know where to run.

dear probably-reasonable people at mcdonalds.
i dont want to watch your ads. i dont want to eat your food. watching your ads will not make me eat your food, it will drive me toward radical crunchy hippy -esque action against your company.
-a

miraculously, my mind didnt explode, so i sat through that insurance spot with the overt 'wind of my soul' rip-off that makes you think a drunken cat stevens wants you to buy this insurance because they had to change three notes of the song so he cant sue them.
but then, i saw a 45 second spot for new aveeno shampoo "with lupine herbal extracts to protect your color." this is when i had to open this blog and just ask you, world, what the fuck?
seriously. wwwwwwwwhat the FUCK
we all know what that word means. you cant find a word youre not personally familiar with, assume everybody is else is as dumb as you are, slap it on some shampoo, and wait for the money to roll in. you cannot do that.
(i mean, obviously, you CAN, and plenty of people do and seem to be very successful until they read the stats on american academic achievements and a little voice in their heads chirps up and says "you did that! you did it! its your fault!" keep drinking asshole.)
you have a fundamental moral obligation to your fellow man to not pronounce lupine incorrectly and put it on a shampoo label. the word means wolf-like. unless you are putting wolf semen in that shampoo to keep my hair extra shiny - no, you know what, you have a fundamental moral obligation to your fellow man to not put wolf semen in his shampoo. i know i dont fucking need it - obviously i dont need much from my shampoo, but even when i had hair, i didnt need all that shit in there. i just picture a blundering old british scientist in bleached khakis and glasses and one of those really wide-brim hats stumbling through the rainforest with a machete, trampling through the delicate ecosystems of the undergrowth, grabbing fruits unknown to humanity and sending them back to england with a note that says
"tastes dreadful, possible use in shampoo?"

dear possibly-reasonable people at cosmetic companies,
leave the ylang-ylang where you found it! dont put it in my shampoo - nobody here needs ylang-ylang like the ecosystem you fucking destroyed to get it, so fucking put it back. you people are making me nuts
-a