Thursday, October 31, 2013

inefficiency

my writing process is stunningly inefficient. I had to go through several (more than two) hours of being stunned by the amount of work i was just assigned and the deadline on it, then several hours (again, more than three) being pissed at my editors and trying to figure out how this could happen, what caused them to sit on my original draft for a week and then require a completely new draft the night before the print deadline, then another hour or two making peace with the thing and accepting that whatever happens, i've really done all that anyone could reasonable expect of me, before i started actually putting pencil to paper.

that's an insane way to work. i wish it didn't have a history of working out really well so i'd stop relying on it.

also, one of the editors made this note on my original draft before they told me scrap it and start over:


in the rest of the draft, this editor used orange to indicate things (s)he wanted cut or clarified. I can only assume (s)he wanted this apostrophe cut. this pissed me off four or five hours ago. now i can only shrug. 

frankly, its bullshit.



Monday, October 14, 2013

slaying the dragon

i've heard that there are writers who like to write, who enjoy the act of creating a story and committing it to the page, who can write with regularity and discipline.
i have never been one of those writers.

my writing has always felt like an exorcism. like a demon swirling around in me for months and i like it there and i keep it there and i put off writing it down for as long as i possibly can and when i finally do it's a violent, messy, painful thing. it's blood all over the page. it's the battle of st george and the dragon and in the end the dragon lies headless on the page and i stand over it, white-knuckled grip on my sword, but i don't stand tall like st george in the paintings, i stand heaving and panting and bleeding and torn open because this was no minion of some other satan sent to fight me; this dragon tore it's way into the world from inside my guts, and then forced me, still leaking my own entrails, to slay it.

writing is pulling monsters out of your bloodiest deepest insides, cutting them out with scalpels and knives and rusty blades and then fighting them while you lose blood, vomiting your darkest monsters into their corporeal forms and killing them and smearing their blood and yours all over a pure white page, and writing your dying words in the gore.

i've heard murakami sits for the same number of hours every morning and writes with a cup of tea next to him, then goes running, then comes home and re-reads his work and edits it. every day.

my writing is the swirling pit of demons that occasionally becomes so violent it forces me to do battle until i've killed them all.

writing is masochism. writing is an exorcism.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

brain stem hemorrhage

at almost exactly 6pm yesterday, 36 hours ago, my dad got home from work. i was sitting on the front porch with the dogs. he answered his phone as he walked over to me and i heard him say "who's with her?" and "get her to the ER."

he left for the hospital with my mom and i stayed home to take care of the dogs and because i'm a selfish cunt.

my father's middle sister has had an atrial fibrillation which apparently let a blood clot slip through her system where it lodged in the stem of her brain and caused a massive hemorrhage. i'm a bit foggy on what happened after that, but i know that any fluid flooding the skull will cause irreparable damage to the brain. the brain simply cannot be impacted in such a massive way - or in any way, i'd imagine. i'm not an expert in neurology, but if you think about such a sensitive piece of machinery being held in a solid case, and then something else suddenly filling that case by squeezing that machine against the wall and squishing all its operating parts, you realize that that piece of machinery is not going to recover.

but she'd been married since she graduated from high school. Married married. as in every single night making dinner for this man and watching tv with him and raising their kids together and watching the grandkids and being married to this man since she was nearly a decade younger than i am.

and she came home from work yesterday and talked to her husband, probably about their grandkids' soccer games or what he wanted for dinner or some stupid bullshit she'd had to deal with that day, and suddenly her side of the conversation turned into strings of unrelated words while he listened, and then he watched her collapse and seize up and it was just any other friday except that he was holding his wife, the girl he wooed in a red convertible when he was a teenager and married straight out of high school, he was holding her and dialing 911, holding her until the EMTs strapped her down and drove her away.

the ER CT scan told us what happened, and the DNR order was signed, and the life support will be pulled in a few hours, and it was just a friday night. it was every friday for the last forty years. and now there aren't any more friday nights.

just like that.

my family has seen a lot of important people go in the past couple years, but never like this. never without months of waiting, of preparing, of setting everything in order. never like this.

i didn't process it until an hour ago on my drive home from work. it didn't hit me at all. i just got the medical updates from my mom and nodded like i know shit about medicine. "oh ok, what are the CTs like? what's her condition? is she responsive?" like i have any idea what that means.

what it means is that the last time i saw her she watched me in a music video and said she liked it, and that's the last of my work she'll ever see. it means there's no more growth, i don't get to know anything about her beyond what my dad and - holy fuck - surviving aunt tell me about her. that's it.

her entire life, her whole story, ended on a friday afternoon like every other friday afternoon. there were so many things left unresolved, but that's how they'll stay, because on a friday afternoon like every other friday afternoon a blood clot lodged in her brain stem and hemorrhaged there, and now she's gone.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

my recent new york visit

i was in new york for about a month and came back almost two weeks ago.

i've made several attempts to write about the trip as i promised i would, but i can't seem to do it comfortably.

i had a lot of incredible experiences with some of the most special people in my life, and frankly i don't want to share them with you.

those experiences are mine.

suffice to say the trip filled me with love and gratitude for my true friends.

you know who you are. thank you.

Friday, September 27, 2013

freelancers; modern cowboys.

i just so desperately want the stuff people said they would give.
im waiting on two different presents from nyc, plus payment from the paper, plus payment for this house sitting gig ive been doing for two weeks. i had to get another job because none of those jobs seem inclined to pay me.
i have so many great tattoo ideas. i need to get paid.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

a study in masochism

so obviously i've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship history.

when i was in new york a close friend asked me what the common thread is between the men i've loved, and this got me started on a new thought process - that i am, essentially, more a victim of my own shit character assessments than of the men who've treated me so poorly. i know, heavy stuff.

when my last relationship ended, i was a mess. i crumbled. the ground i stood on crumbled beneath me and i fell and just kept falling.

i hurt.

so i decided that i would allow no new people into my life. no more flirting with emotional attachment because it only leads to searing pain and scars. i retreated from society. i watched a lot of tv with my parents.

but i realized yesterday that, completely without my awareness or knowledge, i've allowed a new person into my head. i'm not jumping into a relationship or into bed, but suddenly there's a new presence in my life, and this realization took me completely by surprise.

i know i meant it when i swore off new people. i know i meant it when i said i'd learned my lesson, and i would never again invest parts of myself in other people. i meant it when i said i had nothing left to invest, that any ability to feel i once had had been burned out of me.

so, what is this? am i glutton for punishment? have i learned nothing from being repeatedly driven to insanity by the men in my life?

or maybe it's not men generally - here comes the blind relentless hope i thought i'd been scourged of - maybe it's a certain type of man that consistently hurts me. maybe they're not all the same.
or maybe i'm addicted to intimacy and attention and will spend my entire life in a cycle of new happiness followed by familiar pain.

despite the tone of today's reflection, i'm happy. i'm building a life here, i have two jobs and i train every day and i have a crush on a boy. let's see what happens.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

papi pacify, FKA twigs



really the best video i've seen in a long, long time. i can't stop watching it.

love interruption


Monday, September 16, 2013

introducing trey badami: fledgeling fashion photog extraordinaire

i'm leaving new york today to return to toledo. ill be on the train from 1530 today until 0600 tomorrow, so i'll have plenty of time en route to tell you everything i did and everyone i did it with while in new york. i promise to name names and go into excruciating detail about every moment of my triumphant return to the first city i ever lived, so check back for that.

right now though, i just have to show you these pictures. trey and i took them late last night / early this morning when neither of us could sleep. we'd been planning to do a shoot together to give him some practice and build his portfolio, so i expected us to have some fun and play around a bit. i certainly did not expect the images he created - this is only the fourth time he's ever photographed a model, and he took to directing naturally and comfortably. he was not only a pleasure to shoot with, he took some truly stunning pictures. these are not those pictures - they're pictures of his pictures, taken with my iphone while they displayed on his laptop screen.





(this next one is my favorite)




*probably my favorite thing about these is that if you look you can see mine and trey's reflection on his computer screen as i'm taking the pictures of his pictures*

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Raymond Carter's notes

In the introductory chapter to Fires: essays, poems, stories by Raymond Carver, he reveals his rules to writing, that he will "someday put on a three-by-five card and tape to the wall beside (his) desk."

I'm listing them here for my own reference, because when I have a desk I'll need to write them on notecards and tape them above it, directly underneath "SHOW - DON'T TELL."

- "write a little every day, without hope and without despair." (Quoted from Isak Dinesen)
- "Fundamental accuracy of statement is the ONE sole morality of writing." Ezra Pound
- "...and suddenly everything became clear." Anton Chekhov
- "No cheap tricks." Geoffrey Wolff
- "No iron can pierce the heart with such force as a period put at just the right place." - Isaac Babel, "Guy de Maupassant"



Quotes
"It's possible, in a poem or short story, to write about commonplace things and objects using commonplace but precise language, and to endow those things - a chair, a window curtain, a fork, a stone, a woman's earring - with immense, even startling power. It is possible to write a line of seemingly innocuous dialogue and have it send a chill down the reader's spine - the source of artistic delight, as Nabakov would have it."

"In the end, the satisfaction of having done our best, and the proof of that labor, is the one thing we can take into the grave."

"There has to be tension, a sense that something is imminent, that certain things are in relentless motion, ... or else ... there simply won't be a story. What creates tension in a piece of fiction is partly the way the concrete words are linking together to make up the visible action of the story. But it's also the things that are left out, that are implied, the landscape just underneath the smooth (but sometimes broken and unsettled) surface of things."

"V.S. Pritchett's definition of a short story is 'something glimpsed out of the corner of the eye, in passing.'"

"The short story writer's task is to invest the glimpse with all that is in his power. He'll bring his intelligence and literary skill to bear (his talent), his sense of proportion and sense of the fitness of things: of how things out there really are and how he sees those things-like no one else. And this is done through the use of clear and specific language, language used so as to bring to light the details that will light up the story for the reader. For the details to be concrete and convey meaning, the language must be accurate and precisely given. The words can be so precise they may even sound flat, but they can still carry; if used right, they can hit all the notes."


Friday, August 30, 2013

because, journalism

i've been working for the toledo city paper for about two weeks and written in exactly one issue.
so i may be taking some risks with what i'm about to do.
they asked to me to write about this:
http://www.artofprevention.com/Index.html

last year's article looked like this:
http://www.toledocitypaper.com/September-Issue-1-2012/Prevention-and-promise/

i want to write about this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/30/ohio-abortion-restrictions-budget-bill_n_3526844.html
http://www.toledoblade.com/Editorials/2013/08/21/Heart-failure.html

it doesn't seem like a big jump to me. planned parenthood was stripped of their funding last week. it's an article about a planned parenthood event. i'm going to write more than "hey look, art made of condoms." because if we're going to do the news, i think we should do the news.

internships n shit

i've been back in new york since tuesday interning w igor of drivenbyboredom.com and it's been pretty fantastic.
in my first two hours he taught me how to get paid for freelance work, and it's been all education all the time since.
so things are good.
i'm in the city for two more weeks just to hang starting this tuesday, so hit me up if you wanna hang out or need a gogo.
also, the gyms here are terrible. i went to that spot on delancey and was not impressed. i'm gonna try out an actual mma gym this weekend and see if that's better.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

MMA

so as i've mentioned about a thousand times, i've been training in mixed martial arts for the past couple weeks. I've always loved the sport, and now that I'm training I'm fully in it.
i just went to my first live fight tonight. one of my instructors fought and kicked ass. knowing what's going on makes it so much more interesting to watch. before i was in it for the show of strength and, you know, dude-sweat, but now i realize how intellectual it is. you have to think SO fast.
because if you dont, there are serious serious consequences. in the title fight tonight dude took a left hook to the jaw that echoed through the arena and immediately went down. medics came in, put him in a neck-brace and tied him to a stretcher. he was breathing, but definitely not moving. and this was one of the two best fighters of the night, just didn't react quickly enough and got popped in jaw. went straight as a board and fell directly backward, like a cartoon. except you could hear his skull hit the mat.
all in all, great sport. if anybody knows a good place to train in brooklyn, i'm gonna be out there for the next three weeks and do not want to get soft. let me know.

i leave you with this. watch the master earn the title he has never lost.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Saudade

Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ],Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadi] or [sawˈdadʒi]Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; pluralsaudades)[1] is a Portuguese and Galicianword that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return.[2] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing.

Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) that should be there in a particular moment but is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

posted in september, 2011

"Summer's almost gone.
We had some good times, 
But they're gone.
The winter's comin' on.
Summer's almost gone.


Morning found us calmly unaware."

helping out around the house

so my parents have a pond in their front yard, and near this pond is a large tree stump. until two days ago, an old, very weather-worn white(ish) post leaned against the stump. slung from this miraculously-uncollapsed post was a definitely rotten styrofoam lifesaver tube that would definitely sink if thrown to a drowning person.

so i bought a new lifesaver tube and painted stripes on it, dug a hole in the ground to make the pole free-standing, painted and finished the pole, and added a warning sign and a hook for the lifesaver.

i am crafty as all fuck, and highly concerned for the safety of people trespassing onto my parents' property to swim in their pond.




you're welcome, trespassers. swim at own risk. probably no one will throw this flotation device to you.

the trauma of being half-awake

I just woke from a terrible dream. I had lost my love, or he had left me, it was unclear, but I spent the whole night chasing after him, looking for him, wondering where he had gone.
Then when I began to wake up, my first thought was "it's ok. it was just dream. he's right here."
Then I woke up completely and realized he wasn't right here at all.

I'm doing so much better during the days, but the dreams still hunt me at night.

Monday, August 19, 2013

bravado - lorde

today was a day, i guess.
i got my first edit on my first story for the paper and it was overwhelmingly positive, so i'm going to re-write it and resubmit it tomorrow morning.
I also wrote a few new pieces for submission to a few different writing competitions and am looking forward to seeing how that goes.
i'm working on lining up a trip to the city, internship for a week and then a week catching up with some friends (you know, friends, people who you like and don't go out of their way to hurt you).
speaking of, I had a great night out at the greatest dive drag bar in toledo with a couple girls i've known for - jesus christ - ten years. so that lifted my spirits a bit.
nothing is really new, but i'm very much looking forward to getting back to new york.
oh also sensai told me today that i have a remarkable roundhouse kick and credited it to my long history of ballet. so don't fuck with me, i'll break your knees.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Things I like

Trees.
Roots and bark and leaves.
Dirt.
The moon.
The color of the sky when there's a storm coming in the afternoon.
Fields full of things growing.
Mountains. Large bodies of water. Small creeks.
Pine trees with their roots underneath the dirt underneath me and their trunks standing perfectly straight and their top branches in the sky.
Trees.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Macbeth

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death
. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

yesterday (+free advice)

yesterday was, overall, pretty great.
i think i was still high on endorphins from martial arts the night before, when i refused to crush my instructor's face with my knee, despite his insistence that he gets kicked in the face all the time by people much stronger than i am.
i had a dream about reincarnation, where i was walking around what was essentially a fancypants arcade with lots of little rooms i could walk into and plug my soul in, and then i would live that life and die and end up back in the arcade. i dont remember living all the lives, i think in the dream i was just in the arcade looking at all my options. glimpses of reality.
then i successfully went out without having a panic attack! i saw some bands and met some people and talked to my new editor (!) bc i kinda work for a newspaper now. and when i came home i fell asleep right away.
probably my first genuinely good day, my first day that was Good from beginning to end with no terrible parts, in... let's see... ever? i think i had some Good days before rehab? I had a few on my road trip with nelson.


in other news, if you're ever giving yourself a sticknpoke tattoo, do not tattoo words unless they're really huge. you're going to want to make all the lines far away from each other, bc it will bleed into one black blur.


Friday, August 2, 2013

I'm reading the best book

and also I didn't sleep at all last night. bad dreams kept waking me up. same face kept showing up.

anyway, so maybe this idea is insomnia-inspired, but i've decided to start posting book reports on here when i finish the book i'm currently reading. it's so fucking incredible, it's really shaking my entire world, and if i can't write like this at least i can write about it. plus it'll build me a body of non-fiction writing.

and my ultimate goal in life is to be paid to read books and take bubble baths - read books while taking bubble baths - so maybe this will be the start of an illustrious career as a reclusive book reviewer.

that right there is called 'optimism.'

Saturday, July 27, 2013

today

a bunch of people from the dojo i joined this week went to a bar tonight to watch the fight and hang out, and i was supposed to go. i really thought i was going to go. socialize. i got all dressed and actually got in the car, i drove almost half way there before the panic attack hit and i had to turn around and drive home. i just started thinking to myself "if i try to make friends with these people, they're going to ask me what i do, or what my story is, and i don't have an answer to that question."
so i came home and watched orange is the new black with my parents and cried and now im listening to leonard cohen and staring out the window because i can't even read. i haven't been able to read anything other than franny and zooey since i got back here. i can't even read any more.
so there's your update. this blog is my only contact with the world, because i can't face interaction. i can't imagine answering questions without hyperventilating. im just so tired.
im so tired, and i cant sleep. 
i just moved into my room at my parents' house in the last two days because i couldn't bear to be in the bed we slept in together. i made myself a blanket nest in the corner of the spare bedroom that ive turned into my studio. i didnt sleep there either, but there were fewer ghosts. everywhere i go the ghosts are there first. 
i dont even want to make friends. the walls are up. i dont want to let anyone else into my life again, ever. i just dont have the energy to trust anybody, care for anybody.
im so tired.

Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving, say goodbye to Alexandra lost



do not say the moment was imagined
do not stoop to strategies like this
as someone long prepared for this to happen
go firmly to the window, drink it in.

Important life update

I have changed my hair. It feels much more natural this way.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

this is taking longer than i thought

i thought my new schedule of going to the gym every morning and the dojo every evening and the meditation and the being with my family and the sleeping at night and all this damn time would make me stop crying at every little thing that reminds me and hurts, so i thought that i was finally ok enough to unpack my suitcase and put all my clothes on shelves and hang my dresses in the closet and my books back on the shelf.

i was wrong. i just zipped up my empty suitcase and put it on the top shelf of the closet, and now im folding all these clothes that have lived in the van and rolled in the dirt of the mountains and the sand in the desert and im sobbing like no time has passed at all.

i hate feeling like this. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate my clothes all neat and folded on these same fucking shelves again. i hate my shoes in their neat fucking rows and im just sobbing all over again.

this is taking longer than i thought it would.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Long Con

And I know, that's who I am. I'm The Long Con. It's why everyone ever
made to look into my psyche gets freaked out or walks away, saying
"your manipulative, and I think you'd lie to get anything."
So no more defending my own behavior. I am the liar. I am the girl
with more faces, mor identities than you can count, I keep a mirror in
my rooms that you keep thinking is tricking you, because surely it's
just you and I here. Right? Just us. Two.

You fell into my web. I am what they have always said. I am the liar,
the wearer of masks. I am the girl you trust against your own best
instincts.

I am the long con. So don't trust me, don't love me. leave me alone. I'm done hurting.


And maybe, just maybe, I poked it in poorly so you'd think I didn't
mean it, it was a moment of weakness, I'm just a little blue-eyes
girl. How could I be the manipulator??




Monday, July 22, 2013

Bayonets

My love bought me a civil war bayonet blade for my birthday last year, because he knows how I love knives. I totally failed his birthday, bought him roller-coaster-park tix bc he liked them when he was little but his now-bloated organs can't take them. Anyway, he won the birthday present contest, and I was just sitting holding this bayonet blade and realized that it fits in the hand very naturally. I held it and and felt it and thought and realized - that "fit" is from use - this sheath had been gripped so tightly by so many hands that there are grooves where your fingers now just slide into place when you hold it. Some man - or so many men - squeezed this particular blade's sheath with such strength or emotion or strength of emotion that now, when I hold it, grabbing the sheath and yanking out the blade feels natural.

New work

I'm working on an extended essay distinguishing catharsis from art. Much of my most recent publications and my future ones will be experiments on that division.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

more Franny

"All I know is I'm losing my mind," Franny said. "I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting - it is, it is. I don't care what anybody says."

Franny, JD Salinger

"I know this much, is all," Franny said. "If you're a poet, you do something beautiful. I mean you're supposed to LEAVE something beautiful after you get off the page and everything."

Catharsis

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dogs are better than people

I was up writing in my new studio and Nelson came looking for me. I asked him to wait for me over here, and he curled up and waited. Hours ago. He will wait here until the end of time if I asked him to, because he, more than anyone I have met, understands what unconditional love is. I'm going back to work, and he'll be here ready to cuddle when I'm done.

Things I've learned I can do while sobbing

Fly across the country
Collect my bags
Unpack my bags
Take showers
Wash dishes
Write emails
Write stories
Watch movies
Make breakfast
Throw out un-eaten breakfast
Devise and complete art projects
Carry on conversations
Go running
Do laundry
Make tea
Go to the movies
Take the dogs to the park

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sweet agony

"although he had alluded in many a poem to the "happy pain" or even the "sweet agony" of love, he had not understood that the agony could be worse than any other sort of agony - worse than any actual pain of the limbs or organs, worse even than the way his head felt after a night out drinking, which he has previously thought could not be outdone for misery. And there was no way to separate a wounded heart from the body it tormented"

soul-crushing pain update

the more i look at the header image on this blog, the more i realize how representative it is of my current state.

the only way it would be more representative is if it included a nick in my carotid artery that continually pulsed tarantinto-esque amounts of blood all over me.

still hurting

"the thing about love is that it brings out the best
in you, but it could also bring out the worst—
all your fears, rage, self-doubt. don’t mess
around with it. it’ll blow up in your face."

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My dreams hurt

I just had a dream that I was catching a nap in the van and when we pulled in to get gas I half woke up and my boyfriend brought me some hot green tea bc it's my favorite. Groggily, i burnt my mouth on it. I sat all the way up in bed to tell him i burned my mouth on the tea, and then realized there is no tea. I'm not in the van. He is not here.

for the best

i could bullshit you all w some history about where that phrase comes from, what it means to do something for the best, the ethics of "for the best for the individual" v "for the greatest amount of good for the greatest amount of people" and what "for the best" really means, but just by starting this post with "i could..." ive proven my credentials to all the lit and philosophy majors who needed that and ive proven that im an irredeemable asshole to everyone who doesnt give a shit about majors.

i keep hearing people say "i think it's for the best," "what do you think is the best?" "im not sure this is the best...," their voices dripping with burden they refuse to acknowledge as soon as i enter a room. im not upset, in fact im feeling a bit guilty that my existence has so many strangers wondering what would be for the best for me.

ay, here's the rub (ps everyone in the play im quoting dies in the end): there isnt a best possible outcome for the greatest number of people.
there isnt one for me.

i just keep hearing the echo of "keeping her here isnt for the best." i agree though, bc all i want, the thing that would be the best for me, is going home

going home, for me, is reuniting w my man, packing our tent, out cookstove, our books, our spirals, our pencils, our sharpeners, our knives, driving our enny as far into the rockies as she'll go, and then just living there.
we'll find a stream for water. we have weapons so we we'll learn to snare and hunt and fish. before winter we'll build shelter. we divide to living jobs in the morning and then do our art in the afternoon,

i keep thinking to myself "i dont want you to keep thinking about whats best - what compromises need to be made for us to make whats best." i dont want that. i want to go home.

and this living in the fucking dirt and the trees up in the rockies, that was the closest to heaven that ill ever come. and i want to go home to there

Monday, July 15, 2013

i just had the most fun you guys

so for a long time i had been talking about developing a week-long writing camp that i could sell to local libraries or rec centers as i was traveling to bring in a bit of income, and today i finally put that into action!  i did an hour and a half long writing lesson with my 7th grade brother and one of his friends based on a program i did in junior high called power of the pen. essentially the kids get a prompt and then write on that prompt for forty minutes, and at the end i score their stories on creativity, story development, how well they draw the reader in, whether it sets up a beginning and middle and resolves at the end. basic building blocks of fiction writing. it was so so fun.

liam wrote a story about how much he misses the sky, because there was a huge war that drove everyone underground, and then there was an underground war, and then he died in a flood but he liked being dead at the end bc he could see the sky again.

it kinda knocked my socks off.

im so glad i got to do this!!



i wrote this on april 20, 2011


how many declarations of Undying Love
are shoved
into pockets, sent spinning through the wash,
to wash up
on the shores of our sidewalks?
better to seal Love
made in a bathroom with
lipstick on the wall.

more heartbroken ranting

i just kept thinking if i could try harder, we would be better. 
but you weren't even interested in getting to know me.
and so, the disappointment and the sadness.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

please do not read this

this is not an open letter. this is not a direct letter.
this is not for anyone but me.
please do not read it.
maybe i will type the whole thing out and google translate it to wingdings so you know this isnt about you.
maybe i will just copy and paste the lyrics of you're so vain so you know this is not about you.

for readers of my blog who were in no way brought here by the blog of mr johnny azari: i am going through a break up.
i am hurting. i am in a love with a man who cannot possibly love me in way that is healthy for both/either of our lives.
i want to not be angry with him, i just am hurting. i have a big open gushing wound in my soul that has obviously nicked open a very important artery bc it just keeps gushing blood and it will not heal and it will not even scab over. it just keeps pulsing out pain and it hurts. it hurts to not turn to him and say "reservoir." it hurts to not build a fire together. it hurts to not hold his scraggly face in my hands. it hurts to sleep alone. it hurts to not have his arms wrapped around me. it hurts to not watch him talk to people and see his face when he's wondering if the joke he just made is funny. it hurts to not count on him. being alone hurts.
but being a burden and a disappointment hurt too.
it hurt to feel lonely when the man i love was standing right next to me. it hurt to know that i could not be helpful in the way i told him that i could be helpful. it hurt to know that i could not be what he needed me to be. it hurt to love him and love him and love him, and pour so much of myself into loving him, and feel that i was pouring my love into a vacuum that could not contain it or notice it. it hurt to know that he wanted me to be someone else, that he wanted to love a different person, but loved me in the hope that i could become that person. it hurt to always want to be better.
it hurts to be without him. it hurt that to believe i would be with him for ever and ever and to now know that i will not. it hurts to hope and believe that there is a woman who can do the things he needs and will do them for him and make him happy. it hurts that i couldn't do those things, that i couldn't make him happy.

i miss him. i love him. i want him to not hurt.

i know that this will become easier and will hurt less. i know that he will be a better man without dragging my Crazy along behind him, and i know that my Crazy will not be an impediment to me if i allow myself to grow with it and become a woman who can stand on her own.
i know that, alone, i can be better. i know that this hurting will make me better.

or maybe i will just always hurt, because i will always love him, but i believe that he and i will both be happier alone. we will both grow through the hurting and be happier. maybe we will even both grow into happy people independently, and then when we are happy alone we will be able to make each other happy together. maybe.




7.13.2134

The wendigo is a demonic creature appearing in the legends of the Algonquian peoples along the Atlantic Coast of the United States and Canada. It is a malevolent, cannibalistic creature strongly associated with winter, the North, and coldness, as well as with famine and starvation. The wendigo is described as gaunt and emaciated, with the ash grey complexion of a corpse. Wendigos were also symbols of gluttony, greed, and excess. Never satisfied after killing and consuming one person, they were constantly searching for new victims. Humans could turn into wendigos if they ever resorted to cannibalism or became possessed by the demonic spirit of a wendigo. Once transformed, the individual would turn violent and obsess over eating human flesh. The most frequent cause of transformation into a wendigo was if a person had resorted to cannibalism, consuming the body of another human in order to keep from starving to death during a time of extreme hardship.





declan says:

wait, we cant say 'dumb', we can only send nice words. ooh! is that a candy? can i has one of those? ok  ga'night!!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

fuckin road warriors

in the last four days we drove from chicago to LA. I'm still pretty road-stoned, but ill try to fill you in on our adventures.

After we played the Elbo room in chicago, which, btw, thank you everyone in chicago, that was so much fun, Johnny decided to take a job doing some video work in LA. It's an interesting project and will fund the tour for a few more months, so taking it was the obvious choice, but we had to go cross-country in very little time, which is tough because we fucking hate interstates. But I routed us on some backroads so we could see some cool shit on our drive. We plowed through Iowa, where I answered many questions about corn farming, a subject about which i know nothing, but apparently more than johnny does. he played an open mic in des moines and then we tried to camp at this little campsite outside town but were rudely awakened by a terror-bug that stung him in the eye and i insisted on going to the emergency room bc i didn't want him showing up here with a swollen-shut eye. ironically, by the time we did show up MY eye was swollen, but more on that later.
The next day we drove through nebraska, and i was bummed that we didnt have time to stop for the nebraska high school rodeo finals when we drove through the town where they were being held, but we pressed on. There's a shit-load of corn in nebraska, too. We camped on the edge of a crazy reservoir and i spent the entire night trying to say reservoir correctly. johnny slept directly under the stars for the first time. it was awesome until a sandstorm kicked up in the middle of the night and we had to run to our tent under a blood-red moon.
oh also while in nebraska we stopped in lincoln and i bought some obnoxiously adorable sundresses, so i set up the tent at the reservoir while dressed like marilyn monroe.
the next day we got Enny (our noble steed, The Entropic Engine) serviced in Denver then tackled the Rockies. We kept looking around and saying to each other "could you imagine doing this shit as a settler, like on foot with oxen?" We camped outside eagle colorado, high up in the rockies, next to a little stream that would go on to become the colorado river. the air was so clean it smelled like laundry detergent. i almost froze to death bc my sleeping bag was not made for mountain nights. That was the night the moon was unusually bright.
Then we followed the colorado through utah and stopped in moab, which long-time readers of this blog will know holds a special place in my heart. I bought a new sleeping bag and an enchilada. Thank you, Moab.
Yesterday we pushed through all the way from Moab to LA. Took a brief stop in Vegas bc I'd never seen it and tangled ourselves in hours and hours of mindboggling traffic on route 15. By the time we got to LA i couldn't form words. But now we're here and it's actually pretty cloudy, so i'm happy. here's to sleeping in a proper bed for a little while.

Friday, June 14, 2013

friday morning angst / tour update

ohmygoddddddddddddd you guys. yesterday just flipped us over and fucked us.

(this entire post will be directly influenced by how little sleep i got last night)

so yesterday, after the fucking tornado drove by about a mile from the house, johnny's 5D called it quits.  he described it thusly:


shortly after that we realized we'd have to spend another day here and not leave for south bend until today. fine, i unpacked the cooler and hauled my suitcase out of the van, no big deal. then i volunteered to go pick up some cigarettes for him while he tried to fix his camera, and the fucking dude at the gas station flatly refused to sell me cigarettes, even after i told him i voted in the last TWO presidential elections and remember where I was when KURT COBAIN DIED, all because i maybe threw my wallet at somebody in chicago and don't have my ID any more. WHATEVER.

over the next six hours, johnny lost both of his external harddrives, and both of his laptops. they just looked at him and said "nope!" and fizzled out and died. and then he didn't have any of his work any more.

so that was fucking awesome.
THEN my shit started, when i tried to go sleep, and then couldn't til 4 and then had to wake up today at 930. which, fine, five and a half hours should really be enough for a grown ass adult, but IT ISN'T FOR ME.

whew. thanks for letting me get that shit off my chest. i feel a lot better.

we are going to south bend ASAP for a show tonight at Quincy's, which we were gonna film for all of you but i doubt we'll do that now. but if you live in indiana, scoot on over to quincy's tonight! ill be nice to you and johnny will be extra bluesy. promises.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

GoT has ended, so i can focus on my real life/love/work/career/reality again

If i was stronger, I would be better.
I have demonstrably little self control. To elaborate, a thorough reading of this very blog will reveal that I have maybe, if you're generous, one half fraction of a degree more self control than absolute zero.
But, we are all born with deficiencies, and this being mine, I try to work on it by exercising control over the myriad distractions that seem whole-heartedly devoted to keeping me from reality and work.

Unfortunately, I must admit one galling failure in this effort, and it regards the entire A Song of Ice and Fire book series and the Game of Thrones tv series it spawned. where the world they share exists I am helpless.
Luckily, however, the season finale has just ended so there will be no more game of thrones on television until next march 30th, so, barring heated debates with fellow book-readers, and teasing conversations with show-watches before spring 2014, there will be absolutely minimal fantastical nonsense on this blog.
I am ready to emerge from the cocoon of distraction and procrastination that GRRM built for me, a new woman, ready to engage in the truth of the world I live in.


and, oh!! do I have updates. Mr. Azari and I left Toledo thursday may 30th for chicago, determined to take all the rural, barely-drawn-onto-the-maps, roads. so as he drove i had a roving map going that popped up live music venues and showed how far they are from our route. the first one we found that looked cool was called the barn, so we drove by it and didn't want to knock bc it looked like somebody's house, so we emailed and facebooked, and as we progressed on our journey across indiana they called us back and booked johnny for friday the 7th of june. amazing!
encouraged, we pushed on to chicago, where my best friend in the entire whole great wide expanse of the universe, my ALI was waiting for me!! my excitement at our reunion cannot be held down by words. I love her manly man, chef andrew, her goofy dog addy, her very polite step-dog cooper, and her unaccountable ferret jack, with all my heart. i can't say enough good things about these people and their hospitality. LOVE them.
So they took such good care of us and came with us to an open mic at the abbey, where johnny killed, mostly he had none of the nerves he was nervous about, either because of my friends' warmth  or which inspired my friends' warmth. i withhold my opinion on that particular cycle. They were incredibly welcoming and he played incredibly well. He continued his habit of raising eyebrows and the bar at open mics the following night at the elbo room, where he also killed!

In unrelated news, he will be playing a full TWO HOUR set at the elbo room, in chicago, from 9-11 on tuesday june 18th. so definitely tell everyone you've ever met about that show.

After we left chicago, ridin high on those open mic successes, we broke up a little bit, but immediately got back together bc of love. i'm told in grown-up relationships fighting does not equal breaking up, but im still learning that lesson. I think i'll get it soon. So onward, then, toward The Barn in indiana! we had some time, so we took a night off camping in indiana, roasted some marshmallows, i told ghost stories, he played his guitar, we fought together to destroy a great tent-intruder wolf spider, it was a wonderful night. the next day we drove through south bend to see whats there, and found an incredible man named ishmael who, for reasons unfathomable, is running a venue called 'quincy's.' but i'm sure he was a good reason for that. He welcomed Johnny's playing with open arms, so we'll be playing there in btwn detroit and chicago this week.
then on our way to the barn we stopped at this great place that gave me pulled pork and let johnny smoke indoors.

the barn was unbelievably cool. i made friends with girls!! and we danced!!!!! you have no idea how huge that is for me. it had been too long. johnny learned a lot about playing to an audience - these kids were not his usual crowd - happier, smiley-er, etc. they loved him, but he learned what they had to teach him about smiling.

                       



and then - and then! they made us vegan food for dinner AND put us up!! one of the best gigs i've ever been a part of. I love you, the barn in st joe indiana.


SUMMARY:
Johnny Azari plays
Detroit MI at PJ's Lager House Tuesday June 11 at 10:00
South Bend IN at Quincy's June 14 from 7p until he falls off the stage
Chicago IL at The Elbo Room Lounge from 9p until 11p

and then we move west, and provide you with more western updates. look for cowboy hats.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Old Crowe medicine show

"Merch girl" has been my most consistent vocation throughout my adult life.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

sonnet 146


Poor soul, the center of my sinful earth,
Enthrall'd to these rebel pow'rs that thee array,
Why dost thou pine within and suffer dearth,
Painting thy outward walls so costly gay?
Why so large cost, having so short a lease,
Dost thou upon thy fading mansion spend?
Shall worms, inheritors of this excess,
Eat up thy charge? Is this thy body’s end?
Then, soul, live thou upon thy servant’s loss,
And let that pine to aggravate thy store;
Buy terms divine in selling hours of dross;
Within be fed, without be rich no more.
  So shalt thou feed on death, that feeds on men,
  And death once dead, there’s no more dying then.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

ruby tuesday, 18:44 (on genre)

i'm going back to titling my posts by the song playing when i write them.

I've always considered myself above memoirs, as a writer.
This is probably worth consideration, as I've only recently come to consider myself a Writer, but have, for as long as I can remember, considered myself above Memoirs.
All the great Writers we talk about when we talk about great Writing - not even just Literature, just Writing Well - are all men who wrote fiction. Make a list in your head of the greats, limit it to American greats for convenience - Hemingway, Melville, Faulkner, Cheever, D.F. Wallace - they're all writers of fiction.
So I have always read, and aspired to Write, fiction. I still do.
But I've been told by Readers I trust to read various memoirs because "you have a similar voice," and all of these memoirs were written by women. Well-written - incredibly-written - written on the level inhabited by all the men I just listed.
Maybe women are destined to shine in this much-belittled genre.
Maybe that's why it's much-belittled, often openly mocked.
In my family, the women weren't always the Story-tellers, but they were the Story-keepers. Sure, Papa was alway quickest to steer a conversation off it's tracks toward his recollections of his own lived history, but as soon as a misremembered name spilled from his lips Nana clicked onto his conversation - abandoning her own conversations or tasks or, later, silent and nearly comatose state - to correct him. He told his versions of their stories only when he could recount them to her standards. She was the real Keeper of our family's history; she just knew he liked to perform them. Without her, when she abandoned him to life without her, after 65 years of tying her life to his, he kept telling his stories. He performed them as dramatically as he ever did, but I noticed the little changes he made to the names in years. Stories about Rodney suddenly featured Robert, and they happen in 19941 instead of 1943. The facts that Nana used to anchor his stories to reality while they pulled him toward fantastic history slipped away.
I listened to it happen in his stories, and I'm looking now at reading lists for college fiction classes and   seeing only male names, and I wonder if maybe I aspire to the wrong genre.
We minimize the memoir culturally because we minimize the work of women, and maybe women excel in this genre for a reason. Women invest themselves, their identities, with the truth of their experiences, the truths we've learned and witnessed, and we want to see those truths passed on that someone else may benefit from our education. We want to see the rugrat next generation whose very existence we modern feminists cannot fathom benefit from the trials we've endured.
So, like Nana, we leave the fantastical weaving of Great Fiction and History, those fabricated versions of truth, to men, and we quietly tell the truth in our small way. We adjust their details to Truth when we can adjust their telling of the past, because we carry the Truth in us, and thus excel in that ever-maligned genre, the memoir. The genre of reality as we know it. Memoir: from the fifteenth-century french/anglo-saxon, meaning "a story written, but kept in the mind."

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

excerpts of old work


The very beginning of great love affairs define their entire arc. The first few days of a romance are the memorable ones, they are indicative of its' full span. Those are the days you hold onto when the weeks become months, the months become years, the sun heaves itself to the top of its' done and slides greasily down again. The moon appears and vanishes, a little more of her every night until she completes her stately entrance and then she turns her back on you and vanishes slowly into the distance until she is gone again. the stars rotate. orion stalks his prey east to west around the navy sky, his bow at the ready. you pay their toll with the love you saved for each other. as the great bodies travel you pay their fare from your souls until their passage through time has taken everything from you.

--

You realize your body is YOURS, that it belongs to you like a toy or a tool, that you can manipulate its' functions in any way you want, and that's the thing that sticks with you and marks you. You never lose that sense of power over your own biology. That's how we recognized each other, how we'll always recognize each other. I used to think the others knew me by that particular pallor in my skin, that special blue-green glow under the ivory surface of my body, or by my searching eyes, eyes they always share, eyes skipping across the faces in a room like flat rocks on the surface of a still pond. I'm starting to realize, though, that we could recognize in each other the same expression of disappointment, complete and pure, pure disappointment, the kind that comes from having gained the power of God, from playing with His creations and then realizing that his power is so easily attainable, that His magic is a trick anyone can perform. There is no mystery left to the body for us. We understand it. We know our very blood intimately. We have more than knowledge of our blood itself; we have the power to USE it, to change ourselves by changing it, to reach heights of bliss so pure we don't need food. We don't need sunshine. We don't need anything you mortals need. We have pulled our blood out of its' veins, mixed it with the molten fire we stole from God, and pushed it all back into our bodies to tour our hearts and brains and light us up with a peace and joy you can never imagine.
We have the power to manipulate our bodies beyond the boundaries of your existence, to push our selves into a world where happiness is unbounded of your existence. Death is meaningless. Life is meaningless. You are meaningless and so am I.

I have measured out my life in coffee spoons. I have poured my life from tiny envelopes of wax paper into the bowl of a spoon, mixed it with water, and boiled it over a candle flame. I have pulled blood from my veins, watched it mix with life, and sent it back. I have known and defeated God. Death is meaningless. Life is meaningless and so am I.

--

The teapot had been steaming steadily for some time now, though I stopped hearing it's whistle when I sat down. Steam poured onto the kitchen floor and filled the room slowly. It lapped over my legs and circled my waist, and was surrounding the edges of the table. It kept rising.
I woke in a heavily damp forest with the Nightmare Man's words booming from the trees around me.
"Trees don't dream. Trees have bark and the bark keeps them safe."
I raised my left arm in front of my eyes and saw the same woodgrain I'd studied on my kitchen table moments before stretching out under my skin.
"Trees don't dream. Trees can grow because they aren't afraid. Trees just grow."
I looked down from my height and saw my dog curled up in the grass next to where my bark met the grass below. 


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Psych Eval

in february of 2011, a team of psychiatrists and psychologists evaluated my mental condition with a whole battery of tests, the 20 page result-report of which I just found on my hard drive.
i think it goes without saying that this is an AWESOME read.
one of the many tests was sentence completion. i will copy and paste that section here.
The bit before the "..." is the given statement; the bit after is the response i filled in.


Reisner, Alexandra 2/17/11 Page 15 of 16

I like people who...can relax, don’t pressure me. 
Mom was...my hero. 
When people try to boss me... I get pissed. 
As a child...I was small.
I get angry when...I’m told to do something I was planning to do already.
What worries me... is that life is meaningless. 
The trouble with women... what trouble with women?
Most of all, I want to...matter. 
I am ashamed...of failure. 
They...like me! They really like me! 
A good person...is hard to find. 
The trouble with my home...not enough dogs. 
I dislike people who...are stupid. 
When I was a kid, I liked...reading. 
I can’t stand it when...people on the sidewalk stop suddenly. 
I am afraid...of being alone. 
Compared to women, men...rarely apply logic. 
I used to wish...to be president. 
If I do something wrong...I cover for it quickly. 
I am...adorable! 
A good friend...remembers birthdays. 
The important fact about my dad...is that he’s way smarter than anyone will ever be. 
I don’t like people who... judge me. 
When I was young, my greatest trouble....was w/ authority. 
I might lose self-control...on the dance floor! 
If only....I was rich. 
Marriage is a gamble...b/c you can’t trust anybody. 
I need...affection. 
It is wrong...to snitch. 
God is...dog spelled backward. 
If people praise me...I tell them I agree, but then lose respect for them.
A sister...can be helpful? 
If someone says, “You can’t do it”...I do. 
When I went to school...I had to walk 15 miles in the snow. 
I could kill someone if...I had a gun. 
I feel tense when...I have no control. 
The worst thing a man could do to a woman... is lie. 
The most important thing in my life was...hasn’t happened yet. 
You get punished for...[-] 
Death..., the sweetest mercy. 
When people trust me...I buckle under the pressure. 
A brother...[-] 
When I am criticized...I get pissed. 
My favorite game as a child was...I mostly read books. 
I hate...citrus fruit. 
I can’t think right...when it’s too hot.
Love...lifts us up where we belong. 
I should like...country music, but I don’t. 
I wish I had not... N/A. 
Life...is cyclical.


I guarantee my evaluators did not get half those jokes or song quotes. 
Also, my IQ score is 140 so eat my pussy motherfuckers!!

Fucking Facebook

Here's an honest question for you, reader. What exactly is the difference between maintaining a Facebook account and taking an unusually thick dick up your ass?

Monday, April 15, 2013

Lessons

I have fought battles you will never fight, seen things you will never see, faced demons you will never imagine.
And I have learned, and grown.


And I'm itching for a fight.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

tour update

We have a van and are currently transforming it into our rolling art machine / house.  We're also overwhelmed by the support and donations that have started coming in - you guys are incredible!  This whole machine will be on the road in the next month and we can't wait to start the real work!! Fucking brace yourselves, america; the tropic of entropy is aimed at you!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

it's april, fool

i'm trying to do this thing where I update this shit on the regular, but not much has happened.
we went to boston for a quick vaca, because boston is the ideal romantic vacation hotspot obvs, and it was relaxing and lovely. 
i think mr. mr. is out getting a van right now, and there's a decent chance we'll be starting this tour already in debt, so im really looking forward to my future as a starving artist's muse. bring on the hunger! i gotta drop like fifteen pounds. but after that it'd be nice if you guys would give us some of your money.
still booking shows with no end in sight. please tell me if you have a great little dive bar that needs an injection of grimy blues music! my man will come to it and play his songs!
i just wrote a super depressing story that i can't really proof bc it bums me out too hard, but you may someday see it realized on television. more on that later.
so like i said i don't have a lot of information for you.
there's a possibility we will be heading to detroit this weekend, and then ill be in ohio for a little while maybe maybe maybe getting another kickass tattoo. fingers crossed guys. 
(ps - that game of thrones season premiere was so fucking satisfying. seriously.)

Thursday, March 28, 2013

short fiction: Ash & Snow


Father and I sat on our legs and balanced on our feet, so only our toes could feel the mossy silt at the edge of the river. The mud was smooth and coated in a green slime that Father called water-moss. Father knew the names of things. 
"You want to find a rock that hasn't been worn too smooth by the water," he told me, pointing to the stone-cobbled bottom of our river. All the stones I saw looked very smooth. 
"The stones are all round and smooth," I told Father, but Father was smart. He reached into the river and flipped over some of the stones. Underneath them he found a less smooth stone and pulled it up from the mud. The river-mud objected with a loud sucking pop. "You see?" he asked me, "the river hides things. We must look for the hidden things." He handed me the rock he had stolen from the river and stole another for himself. 

Father rose from his squat easily, for Father was strong as well as smart, and walked into the trees. The trees were wide vertical lines, pointing up and up and farther up than I could see. Their trunks were bare to the height of three men, but above their branches grew parallel to the floor, as straight out as the trunks grew straight up. I followed Father, but we did not go deeply into the trees before he bent to the ground. 
"This," he said proudly, hefting a long straight fallen branch as big around as my thumb, "this is the perfect branch for you," and he tossed it to me. I snatched it from the air, and Father smiled. We walked back to our river. I waved at Mother, standing on the platform Father had built for our house between two trees on either side of our river. She smiled down at me and went back inside.

When Father and I returned to our rocks at the side of our river, he dropped back into his squat. I did the same and picked up my rock with the hand that wasn't holding my branch. Father showed me how to peel the bark off one end of my stick and how to rub the rock against it to make a point. I squatted beside the river with the mud between my toes for a long time, sharpening my branch like Father showed me. 
As the sun grew larger and dropped closer to the ground, Father called me up to our platform above our river. He was sitting with his feet dangling over the edge and his own sharp wooden spear in his hand. I sat next to him.

"Alright, let's see how you did," he said reaching for my stick. I handed it to him. He tested the point with the tip of his thumb, and smiled when a small dot of red bloomed there. "Very good," he smiled and handed my spear back to me. "Now, you need to be both as still as a stone and quicker than the wind. Watch me." Father sat very still, holding the tip of his spear just above our river below us. Then he moved so quickly I barely saw his spear flash in and out of the water, but when he pulled it back a fish squirmed on it. He pulled the fish off his spear and dropped into a basket Mother had made by weaving strips of bark. "Your turn," he announced, suddenly serious. 

Together Father and I practiced fishing every day, and by the time the moon was full again I could catch as many as he could. Father was proud. We took our fish into our house on our platform above our river every night and Mother took off their heads and scales with a very flat rock, then slid their flesh from the bones. We ate them squishy and river-cold. Sometimes when we fished Mother went into the trees to gather berries and leaves and mushrooms. She did not grow up in the trees like Father did. She grew up in the tall grasses beyond the place the trees ended, and she knew well which plants tasted the best.
After dark, when Father slept,  I learned that Mother was wise. She taught me the stories of the stars and of her Mother's people in the grasses, and she taught me about the Woodsmen.

We were quiet when we stood on our platform above our river and looked up. "There," Mother said, pointing up at the stars, "is the Great Deer. He rules the the tall grasses, and the people of the grasses never kill him. The Great Deer showed my Mother's Mother which grasses and leaves to eat, where to find berries, and which mushrooms would not kill a man. But there, see behind him? That is the Wolf of the Woods. He hunted all the deer from the trees, until they were forced to leave their homes and live among the grasses where the Great Deer would protect them."
I loved learning about the stars from Mother, for Mother was wise. But I always asked for stories of the Woodsmen. Usually she'd shake her head quietly and look over her shoulder for Father. One night, though, he slept deeply and she did not refuse me. 

"The Woodsmen found me after Father brought me from the grasses to live with him in the trees. Father grew up in the trees, and his Father before him, but I grew up in the grasses like my Mother before me, and the trees are dark at night. I was frightened. I stood outside every night while he slept and stared at the stars and wondered what would become of me. One night I walked down to the river to watch it wash over its' smooth stones, and suddenly I was surrounded by tiny men. They wrapped my hands around a cool blue rock and I was never afraid of the trees again. They disappeared so quickly I did not see them go, and I have never found them again. But soon after their visit you were born. I believe their blue rock was courage for me, and courage for you." Mother was wise, and even though Father said the Woodsmen weren't real, I believed Mother. I had never been afraid of the trees, and I saw Mother's blue rock hanging on a cord under her shirts. 
Father had taught me to fish as his Father had taught him before he was sent into the trees alone. Mother taught me the stars as her Mother had taught her in the tall grasses she had once called home. 

One night I stood with Mother above our river and pointed to the Wolf of the Woods. 
"His tail is longer, Mother. There is a new star beyond his tail."
"The Wolf of the Woods runs very slowly, but yes, child, he has moved and now we can see the trail he leaves behind him."
I stared up at the new star in the sky and thought of the Wolf of the Woods and his battle with the Great Deer of the Grasses until my eyes began to feel strange and the night sky grew somehow clearer, brighter. I felt Mother staring at me and when I looked at her she put her hand to her chest, touching her cool blue rock from the Woodsmen through her clothes.
"What's wrong Mother?" When I looked over at her she seemed washed by a tide of the deepest blue light swirled with specks of silver.
"I see you now, child. I see what you are. You have eyes of the night and the stars."

The next morning I grabbed up my spear as usual and walked outside to sit beside Father at the edge of the platform to fish. He was on the ground though, as was Mother. I climbed down our ladder to face them next to our river. 
"It is the end of summer," Father began, "and you must go into the trees and find a strong husband." He hugged me quickly and climbed back to his platform above his river. 

Mother gave me two deer pelts she had saved from her childhood in the grasses. The first she draped gently around my shoulders. The fur was soft and thick, the sweet brown of young tree bark and shallow dirt, dappled with fawny white spots. The second she had fashioned into a sack. When she handed it to me I saw it was filled with berries and mushrooms, and wide leaves wrapped into packets filled with strips of cold fish flesh.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and brushed her lips against my ear. "You must hide from men," she whispered, "for they will not know you for what you are. You must walk only at night, and you must find the Woodsmen." She stood back and looked at me. I was barefoot, wrapped in the pelt she had given me, clutching my spear in one hand and her food in the other. "Go," she commanded, so I nodded and turned away from her.

Father was smart, I knew. If I could find a strong man to lay beside me beneath my pelt I might stay warm enough to survive the winter nights ahead. But Mother was wise, so after walking out of sight of Fathers house I curled up on a warm rock and slept until night fell. As the moon brightened over me I woke and began to walk, and the walking kept me warm. My legs learned swiftness from the night wind, and my eyes learned to pour their silvery-blue light from the stars above. When I'd eaten Mother's food I tore the sack into strips and wrapped them around my feet. I learned to hunt mice from the owls, and I learned from the mice to hide quietly from what would eat me.

Soon enough the air grew too cold for the sun to warm it during the day. The leaves faded from their brilliant green into golds and reds and oranges, then they faded further until each tree was wrapped in the same brown flag. In weak yellow sunlight I slept under the thick piles of fallen leaves that had layered themselves beneath the trees, but I lived at night. I walked among the tall straight sentries, the brown-skinned oaks and the red-skinned pines and the silvery-skinned birches. I watched the moon swell until she seemed she might burst, then I watched her waste away into nothing again. I kept moving through the trees, but only at night as Mother had told me, for Mother was wise. Some nights rain whispered onto the leaves around me, other night pressed cold air against my skin, but I kept walking. I saw great birds with long thin necks streak through the sky above me. I learned to tell the approach of sunrise by the mists rising heavy and blue and grey from the small round waters I passed. I walked until I saw sand beneath my feet among the trees, and then I walked amongst tree trunks crusted with black soot, veined and dead-looking. There were no leaves on the ground in this place, just sandy ground and blackened trees. That same night as I stared up at the stars, watching the Wolf of the Woods forever chasing the Great Deer of the Grasses, the wind spiraled around me. It carried flat white disks of snow. I watched them surround me, and before they could land to melt into the sand at my feet, the Woodsmen had found me.

They came down from the tree branches around me and up from the sand under my feet. I wondered how they'd gotten their name; they did not look like men. They were neither grown nor were they children; they were neither male nor female. Their feet did not touch the ground when they walked nor did their hands touch the tree branches they climbed. I was only as tall as a young sapling, but still I stood head and shoulders above them. They surrounded me suddenly on that night of the first snow and led me wordlessly to a great fallen tree whose roots had been wrenched from the ground and formed a wall of dirt I couldn't reach the top of with my arms outstretched. The Woodsmen swarmed down into a hole between the roots and I followed them because Mother had told me to find them, and Mother was wise.

We walked silently down a long tunnel that wound deeper and deeper beneath the surface. They pointed at the silvery deep blue light from my eyes and gestured to each other excitedly. After walking longer than I knew, the tunnel opened into a great cavern with a stone floor like the bottom of Father's river and walls threaded through with white roots as thick around as the oldest trees I'd ever known. The roof of this enormous space was so far above me I could not see it, but I could see the rest of the space as clearly as if the sun lit it. I had grown used to my eyes' silver-blue light in the tunnel, and the sight of the sun's own golden, orange, and red light deep under the ground frightened me. I clenched my spear tightly in one hand and shielded my eyes with the other. My apprehension set the little Woodsmen scampering about and pointing to the center of the room. I followed their fingers with my eyes and saw the sun itself cradled in a great black bowl and these tiny androgens who I'd thought were silent began speaking in the windy voices of trees. 
"Fire. Fire. Fire." they whispered.

I approached this underground sun with the Woodsmen circling me and chanting the one strange word they could speak. I reached out with my spear and stabbed into the ball of light, whose heat I could feel from several paces away. I pulled the point back quickly, half-expecting to have speared a piece of this sun, but the sharp point only came back blackened. I stared at it and soaked up the warmth of the Woodsmen's earthbound sun. One of them pushed something hard and warm into my hand. I opened my palm to find a round red gemstone wrapped snugly in golden metal and attached to a long loop of leather cord. I slipped it around my neck and looked into the stone. I felt my eyes emit their silver-blue light and the Woodsmen together whispered "fire" again. As I looked deeper I felt my feet grow hot suddenly. When I looked at the ground in front of them I saw another sun erupted on the stones beyond the gemstone. 

"Fire…" the Woodsmen moaned again. I dropped the stone against my chest as the surrounded me again and felt its heat against my skin as the walked me back up their tunnel. I was glad to be away from their strange golden-red light and back to mine own silver-blue. 
When I pushed through the curtain of soft roots at the entrance of their tunnel and stepped outside I knew mother was wise. 

"The Woodsmen have no use for time," she had said, and it was true. I had followed them to their lair on the night of the first snow, and though I had stayed there less than half a night, I emerged at the end of spring. A soft dew lay over bright fresh grass and freshly-unfurled leaves. I was alone. The soft heat of the fire-stone throbbing against my chest was my only proof that the Woodsmen had found me. I walked on.
The ground beneath my feet changed from sand to damply packed fallen leaves. I left the charred trees behind and soon was surrounded by trees coated in familiar moss. 

Mother was wise, so I walked again at night as she told me, lighting my way with the silvery deep blue light from the eyes she had given me. I watched the moon swell until she seemed she might burst, then waste away again until she vanished. I ran with the deer again and I howled with the wolves at the moon we both loved. One night the wolves attacked my herd of deer, but they were wary of my eyes. After that night I ran with the wolves instead, and forgot the warm fire-stone pulsing over my heart. I ate bloody deer and rabbits with my pack. I slept against their fur during the day and at night I told them the stories of the stars that Mother had told me. They looked at me as if they were listening, but I think they were staring at the light from my eyes.

One night we came to the edge of the trees and looked out at the great grasses Mother had once known. The grasses were not green, as Mother had said they would be, but baked brown by the summer sun, brittle and dry. The wolves did not trust the grasses. We spent many nights hunting the edge of the trees  and sleeping in their shade during the day.

I woke violently one day at the edge of the trees. My pack was not howling, but growling and crying. We were surrounded by a circle of men with long sharpened sticks like mine. The men shouted to each other in words that snagged at my memory, words I knew once, a long time ago, a time before I walked at night. I felt my tongue thick and heavy in my mouth and could not make the same words. I wanted to tell the men to go from us, to leave us to sleep in the sun at the edge of the trees. I could not make my tongue form the words. The wolves of my pack circled around me, snarling, showing the men their teeth. The men kept shouting at each other. The wolves' fur stood on their backs, the fur that had softened my sleep for so many days. The men held their sticks out from their shoulders, and circled the wolves. One man dove in, stabbing at a wolf with his stick, and the wolf caught his hand between sharp teeth and tore the skin from it. The man cried out and waved his hand above his head, spraying blood around him in every direction. The sudden bright red splashing against the brown grass and grey fur must have enflamed the men, for at the sight of it they stabbed at the wolves heedlessly. The wolves fought back and I fought with them, and soon a man near me fell, his insides spilling great red worms and pouring more bright blood into the thirsty dirt beneath our feet. I burned then, angry at the men for attacking us and glad to see them falling. I stabbed at them and they stabbed at me and my wolves tore chunks of meat from their legs and their arms but they were many, and soon the ground drank the blood of my pack. The wolves cried as they died there in the dirt, and the men who still stood carried the men who had fallen away from me. I wanted to chase them down, to hunt them as I had hunted the deer among the trees, but without my pack I knew I would not catch them. I burned with anger then, and I remembered my gift from the Woodsmen. The men were retreating into the grasses when I held the gem in front of my eyes and felt them glow. The grasses before me exploded in a small sun, and the sun breathed and stretched through the grasses, and I heard the agony of the men when it caught them. I breathed the word the Woodsmen taught me, and the great sea of grass became fire as far as I could see. The ground around me became the surface of the sun, and the fire jumped and spun in the air. I heard more screaming from other men I had never seen from somewhere deep in the grasses. 

The heat lapped against my skin, and I turned away from the undulating sea of fire and ran back into the cool of the trees. I ran through the trees until night fell, and I became cool and dark like the trees. Mother was wise, but the grasses of her home burned. I learned fury from the Woodsmen, and now where the trees end they meet sand, and ash, and bones.