when i write my book maybe youll find traces of it in a short story or the history of it in a novel (god, i hope i have a novel in me), but youll never get the full story in a memoir unless i turn out to be a less Good writer than i think i could be. i have to write, so i will rather im Good or not, but i think memoirs are cheap compared to fiction and ill only write one if i cant write as well as i think i can.
today around 11 there was a terrific rain storm. just yesterday all the corn was about thigh-high, exactly as tall as its supposed to be this time of year and the stalks were so proudly getting taller, and, this afternoon as i drove by the fields, i saw that they had just been decimated. all the stalks were bent and broken in nonsensical patterns. it was the most horrible sight. the farmers had barely coaxed that corn into its knee-high by fourth of july deadline because it hasnt rained here in weeks, and now acres and acres are lost. luckily the wheat across the street had been bundled and brought in early this morning.
the storm had a personal impact on my day too though. as you know, nelson is becoming increasingly afraid of things he doesnt understand (lightning bugs, any loud noises at all - the 4th was horrible for him - water coming out of the hose, wind - esp when it blows flags or through tall grass). He's a 155 lb wimp. My parents have two dogs as well, english springer spaniels. The oldest is Webster, who i remember adopting when i was in the 6th grade, he followed me everywhere around the house for weeks, and Bianca, two years younger than Webster though she acts like a puppy, and who i named for bianca jagger. webster's completely deaf, so he couldnt care less about sudden noises. bianca is afraid of them, but not as badly as nelson. this thunderstorm made him shake, his whole body. he sleeps on my bed (its a big bed) so i woke to the bed vibrating because he was so afraid of the thunder, went downstairs to find bianca in a similar state, and so led the whole troupe down to the basement and under a table in a quiet corner. we camped out there til the rain ended.
then i took nelson to the vet to talk about his increasing anxiety issues. basically, soon after i got him i fucked up by not 'rescuing' him when he was scared and now he thinks i cant protect him. this has put him in a constant neurotic crisis about whether, if shit goes down, he could or should protect me since he thinks i cant protect him. the vet gave me a list of drills to do to increase his confidence before friday, but she also prescribed prozac. when she handed me the script she said "that may seem like a high dose, but he's a very big dog, and we'll see if this helps his anxiety." i looked at the script and its the same as my daily dose. i dont want to consider the possibility that my crazy is contagious and has infected him.
after his appt i drove up to ann arbor with my dad to see about spending some of my money on a car for this trip. i drove a subaru forester in hs, so we decided on a newer model for the trip. i needed something with a tall ceiling, rear seats that fold down, and a leather interior for nelson, something with multiple chargers since ill be living in it, and something safe and reliable since im not a great driver and wouldnt be able to repair a damn thing. so, long story short, my father is a legal genius and one of the most brilliant business minds living, and i drove it off the lot!
its been pointed out to me that as a tattooed, short haired girl, with a big dog, driving a subaru, i may give off a bit of a lezzy vibe. i have two responses:
1)ive never met a girl who loves (i have to edit myself here because my parents read this) as much as i do, i consider it an art form, and i will gladly compete against any challenger, bc i know myself to be that good.
2) this trip is about finding Alexandra Elisabeth the Adult by exploring the country my passport says i represent (bonus pts if you can name the artist or song i stole that line from) and i believe that sexuality is a sliding scale. maybe i can love a nice (edit) and also appreciate girl parts. its not like ive ever really tried just girl-girl stuff. girl-boy-girl 3ways definitely dont count. thats an entirely unique power dynamic.
so maybe i am a little dykey? this trip is about experiencing what ive never experienced and learning as much as possible, and thats certainly one thing i dont know much about.
so i drove the subaru home with all the windows and the moonroof (like a sunroof, but 2x as big) all the way open with classic rock radio blasting. if youre ever near toledo, 104.7 wiot played some deep cut def leppard, and kept me rocking the whole hour from ann arbor.
in other news, the eldest of my four little bio-brothers is ten years old, and, of all of them, is the most like my mom and me. he has been saying some incredible shit lately. he was recently at space camp and sent a letter home, im not making a word of this up; "Mom, i'm dead. i went to heaven. (line break) oh, and i met some kids and stuff." and just now he walked up to my mom and said "mom, i think i really need to be a bass player. i want to be more like flea."
i mean, seriously??? coolest ten yr old EVER. btw he's played guitar for years.
it is now officially tuesday, my moms birthday. at 7 tonight my parents and i have an appt with dominic (http://iatattoo.com/pages/dominic.php) who has done my shotgun tattoo, my mermaids, and a few others, to get tattooed! all three of us!! if youre in the area, i highly recommend him. he's not only a Great Artist but a Good Man, and those are hard to find.
and then wednesday will happen, then thursday will happen (and ill get four cavities filled) and then friday i start my roadtrip!!!!!
ps.
check out alihillard.com. seriously. she's been my soul sister from kindergarten til now and i love her and she just graduated art school and her shit is no fucking joke.
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